Most of us know at least one person who has experienced the death of someone they cared deeply about. A husband, a wife, a child, a parent, a sister, a best friend… Should you comfort them? Should you give them space to grieve in peace? Should you try to take care of them? Should you share advice? Well, yes and no to all of these questions.

Everyone processes grief in different ways and for different lengths of time. It is difficult to know what to say, when to offer help and when to pull back and give them space. I know many people who simply avoid being around someone who is grieving because they are uncomfortable being around them or because they don’t know what to say. Hopefully, sharing my experiences from being on the receiving end of words intended to comfort will help you be a help and a comfort to others. Please keep in mind that these are my thoughts and reactions and that everyone is different.

 

Comments That Did Not Make Me Feel Better:

“At least you had him for as long as you did.”

“Time heals. It will get better.”

“At least he had a good life.”

“I know how you feel.” (Even if you have been through the exact situation, no one feels the same way and no one can know what is going on inside of another person. You may intend for the statement to show empathy, but it can come across as if you are minimizing the depth of the loss.)

“It was God’s will.” Or, “God needed another angel.”

“He is better off now.”

“At least you’re young. You can remarry and have more children.” (More people than I can count said this to me thinking that they were making me hopeful about a future. All it did was make me want to slap them.)

“At least you had a child before he died.”

Here’s my personal favorite… (Yes, someone actually said this to me.) “I’m so sorry. My dog died a couple of weeks ago and I don’t think I will ever get over it. Maybe we can help each other through this.”

Comments That I Found Comforting:

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. Just know that I’m here and that I love you.”

“I can’t imagine what you are going through but I will be praying for you.”

“Do you want to talk about it or do you just want me to sit with you? We don’t have to say anything. I’ll just be here if you need me.”

What meant more to me than anything else was having people share a story about how my husband’s life had made a difference in their life. Or, sharing a funny story about something he did. This made me smile for a moment.

What You Can Do:

Just be there. Be available. Be accessible. I didn’t want people to try to distract me. Non-stop talking does not make me forget. I didn’t need to be entertained. It’s ok to be with me and just be with me.

Sometimes I just wanted to be left alone. I don’t like crying in front of people so I wanted to be allowed to cry privately. Sometimes I wanted company but many times I honestly just wanted to be left alone. This is OK. Don’t be offended if the person wants to be left alone. Not honoring my feelings made me feel like a child.

Understand that someone who has just experienced this type of a loss is probably not functioning with any level of normalcy. Asking them to call you if they need anything is more than likely falling on deaf ears. Unless you are very close to the person, he/she will not even remember whom it was that offered help. And, even if they did remember, they don’t want to be a burden and they don’t like feeling like they need help. It is very unlikely that they will ever call you for anything. Instead of offering help – just do it.

Here are some ways that you can answer a practical, immediate, and tangible need:

Does the lawn need mowing? Do they have a dog that needs to be walked? Are there children that need to be driven somewhere? Is the laundry piling up? What about the bills? Does the phone bill need to be paid?

Pick up some basic groceries. Don’t wait for them to call and ask, because they probably won’t. Along with bread and milk, bring grapes, nuts, yogurt, raisins, etc… items that are easy and nutritious. Bringing casseroles is great. But facing a heavy meal is daunting when you can’t even think about eating. Small, healthy snacks are easier to handle.

If large meals are needed for a family or guests, use disposable containers unless you will be there to clean the dishes and take them with you.

Do they have toilet paper, tissues, napkins, paper towels, etc.? If a lot of people are dropping by, they will go through these items quickly. Everyone tends to think of food but paper products are desperately needed.

If family and friends are dropping by, you may also want to bring paper plates, plastic cups and utensils, etc. so that there are no dirty dishes for them to worry about.

After my husband died, I couldn’t take the sight of his toothbrush or his razor. The last thing I wanted was to get up in the morning and see his toothbrush beside mine. Ask the person if they would like you to remove these types of personal items. They may even ask you to get rid of everything. (Please keep in mind that, except for personal items like toothbrush, shampoo, etc., in the months to come they may regret asking you to get rid of everything. Honor their initial wish to remove the items from the home. But don’t give away clothing, photographs, a favorite jacket or watch, etc. Find a place to store them until several months have passed, giving them time to think more clearly.)

While it’s very thoughtful to bring flowers, remember that they die and the person will sit there and watch them die. If you bring flowers, remember to remove them before the petals start to fall off. I can’t tell you how depressing it was for me to watch any kind of death at that point. It’s not much better to bring a plant unless you are going to be around to take care of it. If it dies, not only will they have to watch it happen, but they will feel useless because they couldn’t even remember to water a plant.

If you want to come “bearing gifts,” think of something that would have meaning to the person who has died. Something that will last and keeps his memory alive for others. Perhaps a park bench in his favorite park. A donation in his memory to a charity that mattered to him. A statue or bird bath in the church garden. Etc.

What About the Years that Follow? How Do I Feel Now?:

Don’t be afraid to mention my husband. Tiptoeing around his name is like you’re pretending that he didn’t exist. I like it when people tell funny or wonderful stories about him. And, it really is ok of I shed a tear as a result. Many times the tears are happy ones.

Understand that years after the loss, some little thing may trigger an emotional response. A song. A scent. An odd expression on someone else’s face. It could be anything. Don’t worry about me or fear for my mental stability. These little “meltdowns” are normal. It’s just a natural reaction to a sweet memory.

I hope you have found some of this information helpful. Please remember that this is only the way I felt and what worked with me. If you are close to the person who is grieving, you probably know enough about them to help in a way that will be comforting to them. If you do not know the person very well, please talk to someone who is close to them and ask if there is anything that you can do. A close friend or family member is more likely to accept your offer to help than the person who is grieving.