By Kitty Hinkle
Dear sisters who share the same kind of heartache I’ve shared for years. There are times when I feel my heart breaking and this is one of them.
I had a posting ready to place on our blog when something distressing occurred just last evening. It caused me to set aside what I was going to post and report to you what happened, because, frankly, sisters, it’s got me so sad I can’t possibly put my heart into encouraging others.
You see, Tom died. Again.
I expected this, was warned about it. But it nevertheless knocked me off my feet. Again.
You see, when a child of six or seven years old loses his father, in a way, he doesn’t really lose him….yet. The mind of a six or seven-year-old simply can’t fathom the permanence of death. It takes the adolescent mind of a ten or eleven-year-old to start grasping, at a heart level, what really happened to his father.
And that’s what happened tonight. In my eleven-year-old’s heart, Dad really died tonight.
And after two straight hours of sobs, he sat up and said, “Mom, it really feels like it just happened—like tonight.”
It started for him with the new aquarium he got for Christmas. It’s gorgeous—with a cool background and tons of colorful plants, glow-in-the-dark gravel, and a volcano that blows bubbles. He was marveling at it as he climbed into his bed and I tucked him in, thinking he is his happy-go-lucky self, until later when he padded into my room. “I miss Dad.” He had done this many times before, so as I typically do, I sat with him on his bed.
He later told me that all those other times he said he missed Dad, he was only saying that because he wanted me to spend extra time with him. “This time, Mom, I really, really missed him.”
He cried about not being able to remember as much as he wanted about Dad. He cried about the teacher at school who would embarrass him by having the class pray for him over not having a Dad. He cried about missing out on camping and hiking with Dad. He cried about the kid in school who asked him who signs his papers since his Dad is dead. He cried about how unfair it is. He cried about missing Dad’s laugh.
Then he admitted that when Dad died four years ago, he just went through the motions, even though he saw Tom die right before his eyes. “I was too little. I didn’t understand what a heart attack was. I didn’t know why he was just floating in the water. But even though it was scary, I wasn’t sad.” That night, he told me, after we told him Dad died, he even asked his older brother why he was crying. When his older brother looked surprised that he didn’t know, he pretended the tears because everyone else was expecting tears. “Now I know why everyone was crying and now I can’t stop.”
I spent hours with him, helping him process. You may have to do this with your child when they reach eleven. I hope I did the right things.
“Mom, it’s not fair,” he said. “You always tell me all the great things he did with me, but I was only seven, and I hardly get to remember all the stuff he did. It’s not fair.”
“True, it’s not fair, and I wish you could remember,” I said. “But truth is, all the memories of all the things you and Dad did together are there, locked deep in your brain and heart. It hurts that you don’t have them at the top of your brain where you can pull them out, but your body remembers, and that’s why you’re the great kid you are today, because deep inside you know you were deeply loved. Deep down there is a knowledge in your heart that you were held, fed, played with, wrestled with, taken around on Dad’s shoulders, and constantly loved by Dad. No one can take that away. There are lots of people growing up feeling unloved because nobody did that for them. But you’re special. Dad really loved you and loved hanging out with you, and deep down you know you’re special because of it.”
Pray for me sisters. It’s like reliving Tom’s death through my eleven-year-old’s tears. And next to him in the bed across the room is his little brother, who will have to go through the same loss a year from now.
These are all seasons, and I’m honored to be able to love this little guy through his loss. I’ll bring you the post I intended later in the week.
Blessings.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you Katie,
I appreciate you sharing with us. I will be praying for you; sounds like you have done a wonderful job of helping the boys with their grief. God bless you with His presences.
Thanks for sharing that. I wonder if that will happen with my younger children. One was 6 and one was 9 at the time. The then-12 and now 13-year-old sometimes looks sad. Maybe this explains it. The five boys, who got to see him in the hospital all swollen and losing blood, seemed to grieve that night and be done. The girls have seen the hospital pictures (and the roadside pictures), but maybe it isn’t real to them as you say.
That wasn’t clear. The three youngest are girls. The five boys were 14 to 24.
Oh My Dear Kitty,
After the back and forth emailing that we did last night and then you had Carter’s grief to live through which of course “torn off the bandage” of your own grief. Bless your and Carter’s hearts. What a wonderful young man that he can express himself so clearly and you validated all that he said with such grace and compassion.
Thank you for allowing us in to those wounded places in both of you .
Thanks, ladies. Jamie—eight of them? You’re quite a woman, that’s for sure. I grew up in a family of eight kids and I cannot imagine my mother doing it alone. Hats off to you!
Well, ladies, if a night of that with Carter wasn’t enough–tonight it was my fourteen year old’s turn. Up again. This time until 1 AM.
I’d stay up all night if that’s what it would take to help them know they can come to me and they have a place to talk about their father. Just today I met a woman who had lost her father when she was 7. She’s now in her forties and doing well. But only after years of heartache,, rebellion, and hard knocks. “I was this angel of a girl until twelve,” she said. “Now that I hear what Carter is saying I think really, no one ever talked with me about losing dad and it didn’t really get to me until twelve years old. I sometimes wonder how my life would have been had my mother really tai to me
Thank you for sharing! You are paving the road for some of us and showing us just how important communication with our children is! My husband went to be with the Lord this year and my two boys, ages 6 and 19 months, miss their daddy, but truly do not understand the entire concept of death. God, in His infinite wisdom, shelters and protects small children from fully comprehending. Maybe because fully understanding at that age would rob them of their innocense and joy? Who knows, but I am grateful! I know that I have to prepare myself because the grief, true loss of their daddy will soon come, and I have to be ready to comfort them and encourage them as you did! Your words to your son were beautiful and encouraging. He was loved so much by his father, and that makes a difference in his life! Thank you so much for sharing and I will be praying for you and your family as you go through this part of your grieving journey with your children! God is so faithful His peace and comfort will continue to guide you and carry you through!
God bless you!!
Thank you so much for sharing this and I will be praying for you and your family. My children were also young (9,7,and 2) when my husband died and I have been warned about this as well. I could see, especially in my 7 year old son, that they just have not been able to comprehend what exactly happened to their dad. And like your boys, their father died right in front of them of a heart attack. Thank you for giving us some ideas of how to talk to them about this when the time comes. I pray desperate prayers to God begging for his wisdom when it comes to handling my children’s grief. While I know that this event will always have a major impact on their life, I am trying to do all I can to minimize the negatives and help them use it to make them into amazing, God fearing adults with a story to share of God’s love and provision in their lives. Blessings to you and your family!
I have been a widow for 1 year after 36 years of marriage. My husband and I were young when we married (me almost 18 and he was 19). We had children when we were young so our three sons are now 36, 32 and 30. Our youngest son’s wife died 6 years ago after surgery and left him with two small children (they were 5 1/2 and 3 years of age when their mommy died). They have Cystic Fibrosis so we invited our son and grandchildren to live with us to be a source of help for them. My husband died in an auto accident taking the children to school. He was 55 and I was 54 – thankfully the children were not injured (at least physically). I feel so badly for them that they have had so many challenges as young children. They are now 12 and 9 years of age. I worry about how they will process all of this in their teen years and pray God’s protection over them physically, spritually and mentally.
This past year has been so heartbreaking for me – I read a quote yesterday that said: “Although I am strong, sometimes I just need someone to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay.” I immediately thought of my husband and the strength he gave me when he reached for my hand and told me “oh honny-babe, it is going to be okay.” . I hear so often “you are a strong woman” and I must admit I have grown to hate hearing that. I wish I didn’t always have to be strong – I always wanted to have someone hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay – thankfully my Heavenly Father reassures me of this now – I cannot wait to be cradled in His strong arms someday feeling His physical embrace. I think that is probably the one thing we all desire (including our children, grand-children) a safe place of pure comfort. May God be especially near to all of you – I know this isn’t a club/group any of us wanted to join but we are here so I pray God will guide, direct and comfort each of us on this journey.
Sheryl
My prayers for you, Yvette and Rene. Your kids will do great–I love how you’s committed to talking with them—and celebrating their father. Let them bring him into all joy of the family! Let them drop him easily into the conversation. Then they can see they still have intimacy with him–it’s through the legacy he left of joy and playfulness, if that’s who he was. Or discipline and accomplishment, if that’s who he was. Or creativity, if that’s who he was. Then when your child grieves as an adolescence, you can point to the evidence of your child’s relationship with his father, and then point to the Father above, who brings other “fathers” in his/her life to continue what their dad began. Prayers for all of you.
Sheryl, I so resonate with your dislike of being told you’re strong. I’m not strong. The Lord’s power is. I just go with His flow.
So sorry for this painful time, Kitty! Praying for you and your boys! Mine were 8, 5, 2 1/2 and 7 months when their dad died. I know with my oldest turning 13 (today in fact), there have been times when we have talked about Daddy and cried. I guess I cannot expect anything different from them than I have found in myself — there are milestones when I miss Keith at odd times and predictable times, new levels of processing are occurring for me as I face milestones on my own. God is there through it all, guiding, directing, giving me the words and the strength when I have none (which is OFTEN). That is what it is supposed to be though, I suppose: a life of total dependence on God, made easier in some ways that there is no possible way that I can do this life on my own. I do better when I rest in Him and don’t even try to handle it all on my own. I just do the next thing I feel led to do, resting in Him for the results, both with my kids, homeschooling, ministry, everything. Praise Him that He is there through it all! Praying for you!
Precious friends – I truly thank God that we journey together and that we can read each others words and say ‘I get it’. Kittie- thanks so much for being raw and real. That helps a lot. Eight years into my journey I am realizing that the 8 yr old who lost her dad is currently re-processing it all at 16. Counseling has helped us both to walk through this. And help unpeel the grief that had been shoved into a tidy box because an 8 yr old couldn’t handle it all. Apparently kids re-process loss at every developmental stage. So a loss at 8 is dealt with again at 13 and then 16 and then 18. It is, as Kittie said, like losing their dad all over again. It is not a tidy ‘stages of grief’ thing. it is raw and messy and unpredictable ( and then throw in teenage hormones
!! ) I found this info to be helpful: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/the-death-of-a-parent-healing-childrens-grief/ Hopefully, we will have more resources to share on the site soon. Hugs and hope and healing.
Dearest Kitty, I will be praying for you and your children. What a hard road to walk and it sounds like you are handling it with such wisdom and grace. Praying that God will comfort you the way you are comforting your children. Praying that His love and strength will be very real to you and that you have a strong support system to carry you when you need it.
I am praying for all of you that are going through this difficult time with young children. I know how hard it has been on my adult children to loose their dad. I am a 57 year old widow now, (my husband died 2 1/2 years ago), but I have also been that 10 year old little girl who lost her daddy very unexpectedly. I have experienced many of those moments some of you have described where I feel the loss of him all over again. Most recently was two weeks ago when my paternal grandmother passed away. She was my last connection to my father. This time was hard for me but also very theraputic. You see my brother, sister, and I were not allowed to attend our father’s funeral, we were 10, 6 and 18 mos. at the time. In her grief, my mother allowed others to make decisions for her and many years later admitted to me that she regretted that decision. So when my siblings and I went to our grandmother’s funeral we found ourselves going back in time 47 years and experiencing what it would have been like to be at his funeral and then making that drive to the cemetary. I know this may sound strange, but it felt so good and freeing to be at the cemetary where my daddy was buried and share this time with my family and friends. Many tears were shed that day…tears I was not able to shed in 1965. I am so thankful for this experience and as I left the cemetary that day, I had a smile on my face. I guess grownups can have those moments too and it’s okay. My precious husband, daddy, and grammy are in heaven with Jesus now and I know I will see them again soon! Praying for all of you and your children. May God give you strength, comfort, and His amazing peace that passes all of our understanding!
Kitty,
My sweet sister…I am praying for you…and, of course, Carter! Interestingly enough, while I’m not a child…my husband died all over again this week too. I’ve entered a new stage of grief it appears, and it’s been pure heartbreak…all over again!
Clinging to Him…
Leah
I’m praying Kitty. I can’t imagine what you and the boys are feeling. My hurt is so different and devastating yet so much less in what I lost compared to you all. I’m so sorry sister, I’m so sorry for your pain. For the pain your babies are dealing with.
Please Lord, comfort Kitty and her boys. They need to feel your arms around them. They need your peace. They need to know that You’re with them. We know that is a true fact, but sometimes our pain is so loud we can’t find you. Help them feel, see, hear you Father.
Kitty,
Thanks so much for sharing this part of your life journey with us. I’m keeping you and Carter close in heart and prayer. I’m going through the exact same thing with my 14 year old…soon to be 15. He spent the majority of Christmas day sobbing in the bathroom or his bedroom. It just really got to him this year not having daddy around. I’m sure our moving to a new home in a few weeks isn’t helping the process, but it was so raw and real…almost like the day it happened.
Thanks again for sharing, my friend.
I wish I had a magic wand some times to wave around and wish it all away, but I know that God will provide the healing and comfort for him and our family along each step of this crazy, crooked path of grief. I’m grateful that we have each other to help and cry out to along the way.
Praying you get some rest tonight.
I’m so sorry, and truly understand. I lost my first Dad in a car accident when I was 2. I treasure the snip-its of memories I have of him, yet will always wish I’d known him more. Like your son, I’ve grieved at different times in my life (I’m almost 50). Precious have been my time with his family, the photos, stories, and mementos others have shared with me through the years. God blessed me with a wonderful ‘second’ Dad and many other great people in my life. I pray God’s love will comfort, guide and provide for you and your family, too.
Dear lovely ladies, Thank you so very much for your post and all of the above comments. I am so very grateful for each and every one of you and all of you being will to share your experiences. I had no idea about this reliving process. I feel so very sad about it for your kids. I must say the things you described have been happening at our house. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. I’ve just been praying over them and really seeking to let God use my mouth for his purposes. After reading this God has truly used your words to shine a light on what I am dealing with. Their dad, my guy died 18 months ago and we are dealing with our second Christmas/New Years. It seems as if this one has been very painful in different ways, There have been three words that have helped me get through all of this last bit of 2012. Emmanuel, BELIEVE, Peace. I know it’s because of reading your posts throughout this year. Thank you. Praying for you and yours.
Oh, my, this was so sad, yet good to read. Kitty’s post as well as all of your comments. Our journey is VERY NEW (my husband died in an accident on 11/5/11). I have 3 daughters, 12, 14 and 17. I’m glad (?) to know that I’m not alone on this journey and I grieve and pray for each of you who have posted here. I also have heard over and over how “strong” I am, and am continually telling others that I am NOT strong, in any way, but that MY LORD is my strength and my portion. I’m so glad to have found this website and will continue to check back on a regular basis. Thank you in advance, too because I know that your prayers will be with our family as we navigate this new life that we are living without our dear daddy/husband. http://ourjourneytoanewnormal.blogspot.com/
Wow, ladies–all of you. We’re blessed with some pretty remarkable stories here. Thank you for all of your sharing.
Oh precious ladies!! God is in our lives in so many different roles and —-He Is Here— for all of us no matter what stage of grieving we and our children are in. My prayers will be lifting each of you up today and I am so thankful for this wonderful site. Thank you ladies of A Widows Might, God knew what we needed and you ladies obeyed, by allowing God to work through you in beginning this blog. Many blessings to each of you and your families, (mine too)!
Now, with our first Christmas behind us, I’m reliving what we went through between Christmas and the day my husband’s brain tumor took him away from us 78 days later. Those days were unbelievably dark, traumatic, and painful! I didn’t know I’d have to go through it all again! I don’t think my two boys, who turned13 and 18 within weeks of losing their dad, have yet “processed” their pain. In the bleakness of a snowless winter, I’m growing afraid that I have yet to walk through the darkest part of this valley of the shadow of death.
Precious Jan, consider committing to memory 2 Timothy 1:7, if you have not already. “For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” So many times in the Bible, Christ commands us “Do not fear”. God doesn’t want us to fear, but to claim our victory in Him. There’s a posting here about believing in what God has in store for your boys… http://www.awidowsmight.org/2011/02/what-is-gods-vision-for-your-family/
My prayers for you!
Dear Jan,
My heart is just “bleeding” for you as I read your post. I am so very sorry for you loss. I had two very traumatic weeks of watching what my husband endured before his death. He died in July at the age of 48.
So I wanted to share with you that your trauma is real. Not just from suffering the loss of your husband but the traumatic experience it created in watching what he endured before his death.
I can only share from my experience, because I only know how it feels to have been through this with my husand, I can’t possilby know what it is like for you with yours and it would be insulting to your pain to say anything less. But here is what I found out for me. After Bob died there was of course the shock and the numbing affects to get through all the arrangements. It wasn’t until months later that I too started reliving the trauma of those two weeks before his death. Questions rose up in me that there was no time to ask in the course of all that took place then. I had to process the trauma before I could even begin to grieve his death. Because those events kept “rattling” around in my mind I began to write them down. It gave validity to what I had witnessed and endured those two awful weeks. Moving it “up” and “out” of me made it more manageable.
Your fear is very real and understandable thank you for having the courage to admit to it. When each “dark valley” appears for you to walk through your way with be “lighted” when you need it, the fear is we don’t know that until it happens and it’s hard to trust that it will be when we “feel” so “shattered”.
Dear Lord, I lift Jan before you now with ALL the emotions that are churning inside her, wrap your presence around each one of them and “light” her next step and give her the courage to take it. We ask this Lord in Your name…..Amen
I am really enjoying your messages. My son is 7 now, he was 1 when his father passed and this will help me answer some of his questions. One thing I do tell him my son although he doesn’t remember him is that that he will recognize his Dad in heaven one day from all the love he has for him in his heart.
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