For those of you visiting after reading my devotion, “When Christmas is Hard,” please CLICK HERE for a list of ways you can reach out to someone who is grieving.
Hi Sweet Friends!
Today I am extremely delighted to introduce you to a new member of our writing team! Leah Gillen is a precious woman that I am honored to call friend. Seven months ago Leah’s husband took his own life and her world crumbled around her. But God…
I have witnessed God’s hand in Leah’s life and the strength He gives her to move forward. Leah’s story is very different from the rest of our team of writers. Additionally, she has only been a widow for seven months. Leah will share a different perspective and she will share from a different place in this journey we are on. I know we will all be blessed.
For her first post, I asked Leah to share some of her story as an introduction.
Friends, we are all in this together. We support and encourage each other and we pray for each other. Just like all of us, Leah has good days and bad days. Because this is so fresh for her, she needs our prayers. Please join me in praying for our new sister, and know that all of us are praying for you as well.
Sweet Blessings,
LeAnn
Here’s my friend, Leah…
The Night My Life Changed… Forever
By Leah Gillen
He never missed an episode of The Biggest Loser. As unpredictable as we might be at other times, one certainty remained…our family would spend most Tuesday evenings in front of our TV watching NBC’s ever popular The Biggest Loser. We were a silly bunch on account of this reality TV show. This was the only show we faithfully watched together each and every week. So, when my husband wasn’t home by Loser’s start time of 8:00 pm, I knew something must be wrong.
After getting off work, I called Chris, as I practiced daily, to tell him I was on my way home. (He always beat me home and would start dinner.) He never answered, but I left a voicemail, followed by a text. I even called his company cell phone, thinking maybe he left his personal one at work, by mistake. Upon receiving no replies from my texts, phone calls, or voice mails, I grew very concerned.
I called and texted several friends and asked them to pray for Chris. Again, I knew something must be wrong.
So many of the details are still fuzzy, but several hours later, I vividly remember sitting in the police station with my friend, Lorie, and my teenage daughter thinking…when will this nightmare end? Surely I’ll be waking up soon. This can’t be happening.
I answered question after question from the lieutenant. Of course, they assumed Chris just needed a night away and would turn back up tomorrow – or maybe he had “another woman” on the side. Seriously? Ok…ok…I need to restrain from shouting what I wanted to shout, because I’m sure they deal with this day in and day out. But, I had to tell them my husband was different.
My husband and I were madly in love. He treated me like a princess. They could ask our friends, and any of them would attest to the fact that our relationship wasn’t typical of a married couple. We lived like newlyweds virtually every single day. Our honeymoon never ended. I was his queen, and he was my king. He would never do anything to intentionally harm me. Never. Therefore, I knew something must be wrong.
After several hours in the police station filing my “missing husband” report, I went home – with my friend and daughter, in tow. A pastor friend later arrived, and we set out around 2am in the nasty weather to search for Chris’ truck, since the police were of no help at this point. The fog was so thick that night that we could barely see our hand in front of us. Needless to say, we never discovered his truck either.
Fast forwarding through this blur of 24 hours, my Connect Group from church formed a search team. I have never felt more loved in my life than the day these men and women, along with Chris’ sisters and mother and some of my family members spent hours in some of the most dense areas of the Blue Ridge Parkway and Pisgah National Forest searching for Chris’ truck and ultimately for Chris. The police were able to narrow down the area to a 12-mile radius, thanks to cell phone pings. But even this radius seemed daunting due to the terrain.
By this time, we were fully into Wednesday. The local news station had aired the story, at our request, in hopes of getting help from anyone that might bring my husband safely home to me. His story had also turned into a Facebook “sensation”, but I didn’t care. I was desperate for help from anyone!
Around 5:30pm on May 4, I received the call I had been praying for. One of the men from my Connect Group uttered the words I’ll never forget, “Leah, we’ve found the truck. Chris isn’t in it, but we’re looking for him now.” I started sobbing…first out of relief. The truck had been found. At least that was SOMETHING! But, the sobbing turned to fear, because I knew in my spirit…something had to be wrong. A few hours later I had my answer…
They walked into my home. A group of my closest church friends that had been involved in the search, led by the pastor friend that had been out in the middle of the night with me searching for Chris in the fog. As soon as I saw their faces, I knew the outcome. I just didn’t know the specifics.
I walked into my bedroom and adjoining bathroom and was followed by 2-3 friends. I wanted to get as far away from the crowd as I could for fear of the words I was about to hear. And the words came, and my heart collapsed, followed by my body…
I was told Chris was found…but not alive. Even more shocking, I was told that my precious husand had taken his own life. This was impossible. There’s no way my husband would do this. Everybody that knew Chris knew that he was one of the happiest people on the planet. Nothing ever bothered him…or so it seemed. And, yet…he did. The proof came later, but my husband did, in fact, take his own life.
Friends, I share this story not to welcome sympathy…not to ask you to join my pity party…not to get any pats on the back. I share this story to declare with absolute confidence that…
My God is still in control.
He still sits on the throne.
He is still abundantly good.
Without Him, I am nothing.
Without Him, I could not walk “Grief Road”.
But, with Him…I can do all things.
With Him, I can do hard.
Seven months and 1 day later, I am a 39-year-old widow, but I am also living proof of His ongoing restoration work.
I know that one day Chris and I will be reunited in Heaven. He loved the Lord with all his heart! He had been a believer for many, many years. He was just very sick at the end of his life and not in his right mind. The Lord was with him that night, as He was welcomed into Heaven. The same night, the Lord was with me and caught every single tear I shed and have shed ever since.
Though the fig tree does not bud and
there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the
fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be
joyful in God my Savior. ~Habakkuk 3:17-18
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Leah. Your faith is an inspiration to many.
Dear Leah,
My husband took his own life on June 16th, 2010 in full uniform in his police car on the side of a very busy road first thing in the morning on his way to work. He was a state trooper and the way it all played out was so public. But, it was amazing to me to see how God used such a horrific thing right from the moment it happened, because we were able to reach thousands in the following days and weeks with the gospel of Christ. How awesome! My husband too had been a believer for many years and was a warm, loving, friend to all, very happy man. I have no doubt the Lord was with him in his last moments and that he is in heaven. I am a bit ahead of you in this grief road. At 36 years old I am a widow. I have 3 children a 9 year old daughter and twin 5 year old sons. I never would’ve envisioned this for myself but I trust God and I know he has a perfect plan for us. I have grown closer and stronger in the Lord through this and I have a deeper relationship and understanding than I would have ever had without this journey. That’s something I didn’t expect at the start. I will lift you and your children up in prayer, because I know exactly where you all are and I get where you still need to go. The conversations you will have with your children I have had or will continue to have. With suicide it’s a conversation that God will direct and that will be something that you will have to revisit and discuss again and again as your children grow and mature. But God is so good and ultimately we can all be reassured that God is in control, that He nevers makes a mistake, and that He will use all things for his greater good. What glorious promises those are. I will be praying and if you ever want to communicate privately, please just email me. I get it and would love to pray specifically for you and your family.
With much love and blessings,
Erika Graham
Leah,
.
God gave me this scripture when my husband passed, Lam. 3: 21-26 says, Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, the the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
God is always faithful and I am in continuely awe of how He takes care of me and my 3 boys since my husband died. My husband has been gone 10 years.
This website is a real blessing to me and I look forward to reading your post, thank you for sharing. I will be praying for you. You are a blessing to all of us.
Dear Leah, Thank you so much for sharing–I have already said prayers for you. I am glad that Erika also shared–thank you Erika. I think she can be there for you Leah. I pray for all of you and I hope and pray for many blessings. Thank you again—Barb Wall
Ladies…you are such an encouragement to me!
Jen – Thank you for finding me here. You’ve been such a source of encouragement on my personal blog as well!
Erika – WOW! I definitely need to connect with you. If you’re on FB – feel free to look me up there also (Leah Slack Gillen is how I’m listed). Seeing the Hope that is in you makes me smile! I love how He works all things together for good!
Kathy – Your comment and scripture reference is quite touching. God’s Word never returns void. Thank you for your faithfulness to post that!
Barb – Thank you for praying! Prayers of so many are what have carried me through many dark days!
God Bless You!
Leah
As I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks, I want you to know that I have lifted you up many times since I heard your story, first through the Facebook sensation. I live near Shelby and reposted your initial shout out seeking any spotting of your husband’s vehicle. But later my heart was tender for your pain and many times I sought out strength for you from our heavenly Father. Even this past week I was touched and wondered just how anyone makes it through a holiday season with such a burden. But you are beloved by the King and He will continue to watch over and care for you. You may never know all the people praying for you, but I do pray you will feel their love and His peace and presence.
Leah, thank you for sharing your heart and very personal story. I am praying for you and your family– that you will continue to feel God’s loving arms around each one of you every day. I’m so glad you had a wonderful marriage that will supply you with rich memories of your loving husband until you see him again in God’s kingdom. You are loved and supported, sweet sister in Christ!!
Hi Leah, It’s great to see how God is using your story to encourage others. You bless my life and I thank you for living your faith. Cindy
Marsha – Your words are a treasure. Thank you for faithfully praying and staying in touch these last 7 months.
Cyndi – Awww…thank you so much! Yes, I long for the day of our sweet Heavenly reunion!
Cindy – You, my dear, have been a bright spot along my journey. I hate traveling Grief Road, but I’m thankful to travel with you!
Dear Leah, I’m praying for you and yours. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that God has a plan for you and all our fellow sojourners on the Grief Road. I feel so strongly that while walking on this road I need to make sure my decisions are making an impact for eternity with every stride. I have to show our girls that GOD is good in everything. If I don’t demonstrate that in the middle of the hardest road we’ve ever had to travel; the loss of my guy and their daddy. There could be serious eternal generational loss. The legacy of faith has to continue. I am so thankful that we can stop and be refreshed and energized in our travels by this website. God is using all of you and your willingness to lay your stories down to make an impact for so many. Thank you.
Leah,
Thank you so much for sharing, you are so brave to share your story when your grief is so fresh. My husband died unexpectedly from a pulmonary embolism on Jan. 28th of this year so I like you, am facing this 1st Christmas season without him. It is so comforting for me and my boys to know he is in heaven with Jesus this year but still so sad and so hard. I will keep you in my prayers. One thing I have learned on this journey is that no one can understand your pain like another widow. It is a journey of ups & downs, twists & turns, but I have seen God work in my life so much this year in big and small ways. They say not to make any major decisions in the first year but because my husband left a business I have had to make numerous major decisions. But God has been with me every step of the way, has surrounded me with wise counsel and given me peace in the chaos. I am doing things I never thought I would ever be capable of. My prayers are with you and your family and that you would continue to trust HIm, even in the hardest moments.
Leah, thank you for joining our team. Your story brings a perspective that reaches widows uniquely from anything we’ve presented before. I know we’ll all be learning from you, crying with you, and growing with you. Bless you and the beauty God has placed in you.
Kitty
Jill – Such wise words you spoke! “Making an impact for eternity” – Amen sister! I truly believe that’s what this journey is all about for me! And, I intend to do just that – with God’s guidance!
Colleen – I’m so sorry sister that you share this journey as well! But, you are so right…only another widow can even come close to understand the path we travel. Thank you for praying!
Kitty – I’m so thankful to be on this team! What a precious sisterhood to be part of, even if under the most difficult of circumstances! Thanks for your sweet comment!
Leah…love. love. love. We are with you standing before the Father with arms raised and tears streaming. Your testimony will bring healing…both to you and to so many others. ‘…and when the accuser whispered his lies ( about both the past and the future) , they overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony. Rev 12:11
Leah,
Your story has touched me and given me some comfort this morning. My husband of 32 years took his life on 11/11/11, the day my world fell apart. A good Christian sister of mine told me to come and read your story today because it would help me and it did. Although I am going through terrible pain and grief I can still see everyday that God is pulling me through the darkness, so many people are loving me and caring for me. I will never be the same, but with the grace of God and the love of all my friends and family, I will survive and maybe one day I will almost be normal again. I will pray for you on your journey and please pray for me too.
God bless you! Sue
Danita – Thanks sweet sister! You have been a source of encouragement for me over these last several months since I first got to hug your neck at She Speaks.
Sue – My heart sincerely breaks for you right now dear lady! The raw grief that you are experiencing is still very fresh with me, and I relieve those early days so easily (even now) when I stop to think about it. Absolutely – I will pray for you. Feel free to connect with me by email as well if you like: leahgillen89@yahoo.com or on my personal blog (see the About Us section on this website). God will continue to carry you through these dark days until you’re ready to walk again. Until that day (of which I’m still waiting) – rest in His capable embrace!
Leah,
You are not alone in this awful season. My family lost my brother-in-law to suicide in May. My mom died in January, and my sister faces Christmas bearing both of these losses heavily. Maybe I will find ways to comfort her as I read this site over the next few days.
Dear Leah and each of you dear women who have shared your pain here, my prayers have been added with others already praying for you. How comforting to know Jesus has been interceding for you all along! As I read each comment, Genesis 50:20 kept coming to mind “…but God meant it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Your testimonies of such faith is bound to give life to other’s faith and strength for whatever the reasons for their “hard Christmas”. May God continue to bless you and yours for that life-giving comfort to “many”! Fran
Tamara – WOW! I will be praying God’s peace to cover your precious sister and the rest of your family during this difficult 1st Christmas without our loved ones. His Peace is pure…real…lasting. Thank you for taking the moment to comment and give me an opportunity to pray!
Fran – God bless you! That was a beautiful Word that you shared, and I find comfort in God’s Word that never returns void. Thank you for praying as well! It means more than you know to this grieving heart!
Thanks, Leah…praying here too.
God bless you ladies for sharing your stories….I was told my brother had taken his life on 10/10/11. Oh, the “what if..” thoughts that travel through our minds, the confusion, the hurt. Thank you, God, for supporting us through these valley and bringing family & friends into our lives during these times. Please continue to share…there are so many people that need to hear your stories & know the the hope that God has to offer.
Thanks to all of you ladies for sharing your stories. Proverbs 31 is my lunchtime reading at work when I need encouragement from friends in Christ. And I desperately needed a drink of HIS refreshment today. It’s amazing how when you seek for yourself, you find yourself praying for everyone else. That’s how it’s suppose to work.
My husband died unexpectedly on Christmas Day, three years ago this year. Our son was also born on Christmas Day. He’ll be 17 this year. And I am coming out of a relationship with another man, the first man after having lost my husband of 28 years. I am experiencing loss all over again and it hurts so badly. I am reminded that Christ is Higher than loss. Love the verse you posted Leah. ~Habakkuk 3:17-18 will remind me of you, your loss, and to lift you up in prayers to our Heavenly Father. Bless you for sharing. Love in Christ, Laura
Leah,
Thank you for sharing your story and for your openness. It’s such a joy to have you on the team and I know that we will be lifting each other up in prayer as the holidays quickly approach. I’m encouraged by your strength and your deep faith…I’m certain you will bring much hope and healing to many who have losses of their own. God Bless!
Julie
Pat T – Each time I learn of another suicide, my heart aches. I know, all too well, portions of the pain those left behind are experiencing. While each situation is different, there are some similarities to grief from suicide that are uniquely the same. I am so very sorry to learn of your brother’s suicidal death. Praying for you and your family…
Laura – Thanks for your encouraging comment. I can’t imagine having to celebrate your son’s birthday on Christmas Day, while also remembering the death of your husband. I’m so thankful you are a Christ-follower and can lean on Him to carry you through that day and recent loss. These are such difficult days, sister. Praying for you as well…
Julie – Thank you sister! Yes, these days are difficult, and I’m so thankful to have this sisterhood to lift each other up! In reading your past posts, I am blessed by your sweet spirit and tender heart! What a treasure your kiddos have in you! You definitely have my continued prayers!
Leah,
I am so glad you are continuing to allow God to use your pain to minister to others. I promise you Chris’s death was not in vain. God is using you sweet sister, and I pray He continues to give you the grace you need for each day. Love you!
Natalie
Natalie – Thank you sweet friend! I’m so thankful God allowed our paths to cross at SS this year! I’m also so grateful to have you 5+ years ahead of me on this journey.
Leah and everyone,
Thank you for sharing your stories and your faith. My dear sweet husband Bob also took his own life in January of 2010. I will never be the same either. But I thank God for giving me four wonderful years with him. And I’m so thankful for the strength he has given me and the loving support of my family and friends. All of you are in my prayers as you grieve the loss of your loved ones.
Leah. I do know your pain I lost husband.daughter.which has been a while. But still hurts on special days . I am evem tearing as I wrote . this Bit o know god loves me
Lynne – I’m so sorry to read that suicide touched your family as well. Such a devastating, difficult tragedy to understand. I don’t think I ever will. But God… Thank you for praying sister!
Minnie – I can only imagine your pain on those “special days”. You are right indeed – God loves you with a complete love!!!!
I have read Encouragement for years, everyday saving those that touch me in a special way. I have also been grieving since April, my husband walking into Jesus’ arms after a long struggle to be healed. He finally got his complete healing. Just today, ( and this happens often), I asked God to send me some comfort for the Christmas season is so hard. My husband was so much about Christmas and everywhere I look is something I can’t share with him. His father died on Christmas Eve and he became Santa to hundreds of children so that their Christmases would be special. I never realized how hard it had to be to do this, yet he pulled it off with style and cheer. But anyway, I had opened the email of Encouragement and there popped the subject: When Christmas is Hard. I started crying. But the gift was even more detailed. I had been praying for a site that understood what I was going through. And here you are.
I know God directed me to this site to let me know I am not alone. My 27 year old son committed suicide this year 03/29/2011, a few days before his beloved son’s 4th birthday. I don’t understand why, but I do know that this has brought me closer to our Heavenly Father, and I pray every day for strength, comfort and guidance. I am anxious about the holiday time as I not only miss my son horribly, but I want to show all how God has helped me every step of the way in this loss. Your stories are sad, yet helpful. Thank you
Vickie – I’m so glad that God led you to LeAnn’s devotion and A Widow’s Might. May you find it to be a continual source of encouragement, especially in this difficult season.
Mae – I’m sorry to learn of the tragic loss of your son in March. My eyes cry tears that can only be cried by one also affected by the pain of suicide. I’m so thankful that you recognize God’s help in these difficult days.
A dear friend directed me to this website, and I’m reading your story after celebrating Christmas tonight with my family for the first time without my husband who took his own life on 9/25/11. My husband also loved the Lord dearly and loved me and our girls beyond comprehension, but struggled with thoughts of suicide for many months.We had been married for 25 yrs. in August and have 2 daughters (ages 11 and 14). Today has been especially hard… many tears, but I am blessed with so many people praying for me daily and just taking care of me. God has been so faithful in every aspect of this journey. I’m so thankful He led me to your story because I really needed to hear from someone who understands the unique pain that comes from suicide. I look forward to your posts, and will pray for you as you continue on your journey. I know God will use you and your story to touch many people…. me included.
Awww Kristi…my heart bleeds over each new suicide “story” I read about. Even after having walked this journey for 7+ months now, it always breaks my heart all over again, because I know that pain so very well. I am beyond thankful that you had the blessing of people caring for you and your daughters over Christmas (I did too!). While the pain of that “first” can’t be erased, it does help to have the love of Christ lavished on you through others. Thank you for posting this comment. It allows me the opportunity to pray for you. Feel free to contact me through my personal blog or email address as well: http://www.panthersandpetals4Him.blogspot.com or leahgillen89@yahoo.com. May God abundantly bless your shattered heart!