By Leah Gillen
Within one week of my husband’s death, I returned to blogging again. Some might find that rather strange and untimely. For me…very therapeutic. As a lover of words, yet unable to form many with my mouth during those early weeks, I turned to my other passion…writing. I kept a journal (and still do) but find most of my thoughts then (and now) get poured out on my personal blog site.
Shockingly, a new world opened up for me. One that I was completely oblivious to before my husband’s suicide. I began receiving blog comments, email messages, Facebook comments, and even Twitter love – mostly aimed at encouraging me through the darkest days I’d ever experienced in my 39 years. Even more, I became acquainted with strangers – many of whom I now call friends – that are also widows themselves (some even by suicide). I began to realize I wasn’t alone. I knew I wasn’t the only one that had walked the same road. But, I also knew I needed some help and certainly couldn’t do this alone.
This grief journey is not for the faint at heart. The tough, independent woman of yesteryear no longer seemed to be around. I found myself quite needy actually – a word I never associated myself with before. I went through the motions of living each day, but I couldn’t accomplish much more than that. Decision making? Virtually impossible. Food prep? Forget about it. House cleaning? I couldn’t care less.
Nevertheless, I was blessed with an army of helpmates to fill in the gaps. Friends from church, co-workers, neighbors, family, and even complete strangers became my angels of mercy. God poured out His comfort on us in amazing ways through His children. I will never forget that tremendous blessing in those early weeks.
A month passed. Life started to become “real” again. Deep loneliness set in. I found myself seeking that “help” again. Anyone out there? I couldn’t expect people to continue to lavish personal attention upon us forever, but I wasn’t ready for it to end so abruptly. In all actuality, it didn’t end. We’re still being cared for (8 months later) in some rather amazing ways, but the huge saturation of daily care did stop. And, I really understood that. People have lives to live outside of serving new Widow Leah and her daughter. I just wasn’t ready for it.
It was then God’s voice became quite loud to me. He wanted to be the center of my need. And, in the stillness of our times together, He spoke frequently to my heart.
Am I enough daughter?
If I take it all away…will you still return to Me?
Can you trust Me to care for you completely?
Do you know how massive My love is for you?
“Yes Lord! Of course! You are enough. I’ll always return to You. Of course I trust you, and I know You love me deeply.”
But, He wouldn’t stop. I don’t think He was satisfied with my answer. Maybe because it was what I thought He wanted to hear.
I know your heart, Leah. Remember, I crafted it. You can hide nothing from Me.
Again, am I enough? Will you always return to Me? Can you completely trust Me? Do you know the depth of My love?
“OK, Father. You want the truth. Here it goes…
I say You’re enough, but I haven’t lost all yet. Chris wasn’t my everything, but he was pretty close. I say I’ll always return to You. Lord, I pray that to always be true. I can’t imagine life without You. But, if I don’t stay near to You, I’m sure even I can develop a wandering heart. Please protect me from ever wandering from You sweet Lord!
As for trusting…I need You to really help me with this one. I have nobody to fully trust but You, but I’m struggling here Lord. How’s that for honesty? You’re the only One I can always trust and yet I’m struggling to do just that. What’s wrong with me?”
I can tell you what’s wrong, my beloved daughter. You don’t understand the depth of My love for you. And, you never fully will understand it completely this side of paradise, but allow Me to show you as much as you will open your physical eyes to see. Even more of My love will be shown to you through your eyes of faith. And one day daughter…one blessed day…your faith will become your sight! Until that day, rest Leah…rest in Me! I want to carry all of your pain, because I love you completely!
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Ah yes – how true your words are. I have been widowed now for almost 8 months and am learning how to rest in the fact that He is enough and that in fact He is all I really need. This is easy some days and on other days it is very difficult.
I understand what you shared about trusting God now. This is one of my greatest struggles as a widow.
Linda – It looks like we’ve been on this grief journey for the same length of time. It is definitely a learning process for me too and probably will be for life! But, I’m willing to remain a student.
Candy – I know that well sister! As you can see, you’re certainly not alone!
It is as if you read my journal from three days ago! I had the same conversation with God! I’m not alone. God you amaze me!
I know what you mean, people keep telling me I am strong and I will make it through this terrible time, but I don’t feel very strong anymore. Things I did without even thinking about when my husband was here now seem so scary, I used to go out after dark all the time when he was here but now I am scared and nervous if I have to go out. But I know God is with me and He watches over me and it is getting a little easier, but like you it is hard to fully trust in Him and give my whole life to Him but I am trying! God bless you on your journey.
Yvette – Amazing! I love how orchestrates our paths and allows them to cross at just the right times! Oh – how He loves us!
Sue – “…but I am trying” – I love that Sue, and I think that’s all He expects of us now. I have some days that my “trying” is quite fruitful and other days where it just exhausts me. But, I have to trust that the “trying” continues to propel me closer to Him!
It has been almost 6 months since my husband’s passing and each day continues to be a struggle! I ask myself, “Will it ever get better?” I still can’t believe he is gone! My friends feel I should be over the grief but it just doesn’t go away! I keep asking Him, “Why?” I know God has a plan but I want to know the plan now! Thank you for your courage to blog which in turn helps us out here!
Your message, Leah, was so well put. I lost my husband to cancer three and a half years ago. I have learned this is a journey. I am learning how God is there every step of that journey and that He wants me to learn from what I am experiencing, that I can always trust Him. I know I never want to be far from Him. While I have to go on living without the “special people” in my life, I really do not see how I could ever continue on without the Lord. He is my strength.
Lorie – Dear one, I have also asked the question, “Will it ever get better?” I trust that it will, because I see it in many widows that grieved before us. But, please, please, please don’t let your friends tell you how you should feel or how you should grieve. There is no “magic formula”. No two people are the same. No two people grieve the same. I actually blogged about this type of thing one time after some hurtful “suggestions for how I should grieve or not grieve” were shared with me. If you’d like to read it sometime…here’s the URL address: http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/07/let-me-clear-few-things-up.html
Joyce – Thank you so much for your encouraging comment! Yes – He is our strength, and when we are weak, He is oh so strong!
Joyce – I can totally relate. My husband died from cancer three years ago this past Sunday 1/8. I keep thinking things will get easier but then something happens that seems to set me back. In the beginning I seemed to be so much better than I have been in the past several months. Just as Leah mentioned, that strong woman all my friends keep talking about seems to have gotten lost. I keep trying to find her but as so many have mentioned, she seems to be lost. I know God is there with me all the way and I want to depend on him but there are times I’m just now sure what I’m doing wrong or why it seems I can’t find the peace I once had when my husband was alive. I keep pushing forward and trying to believe that the future is a lot brighter than I can see it right now.
Thank you, Leah for your response. I read the blog you suggested! Wonderful and allows me to know I am no different than other widows!
Denise – “I keep pushing forward and trying to believe that the future is a lot brighter than I can see it right now.” I love that! You go girl! That’s all we can do sometimes, and I think that’s quite a LOT! Push forward…and rest when you need to as well!
Leah! You could be ME. I could be YOU. (only I’m a little earlier on my journey – my best friend/husband/kid’s daddy passed away on 11/5/11 after a fall off of a roof). Just LAST week, I was in that “slump” of the “attention” being gone. Your post exactly spoke the words I felt and also heard from God. I can’t say I’m “happy” we are all walking this road together, but, I AM happy to have “met” you and all the other ladies here. I’m happy to know that my feelings are normal. I’m happy to know that God continues to comfort – when there feels like there is none and no hope in sight.
I too also started blogging (after not having a blog for a year or so), 2 weeks after my husband’s death. I remember that as I wrote the first couple of posts, I found myself shaking as I finished, due to the emotions that I was re-living. Blogging now though is therapeutic and I “need” to do it every day!
Thank you Leah, and ALL, for sharing your hearts.
If you are interested, my blog can be found at ajourneytoanewnormal.blogspot.com
^ I must be TIRED tonight. Our blog can be found at:
ourjourneytoanewnormal.blogspot.com
Sheila – Thanks for sharing this portion of “your story”. I agree! Wouldn’t it be better if we all could “meet” under different circumstances? But, this is where we are, and I’m still so thankful for each of you! I’m so sorry that you are so fresh in this journey, but you are doing some excellent grief work sister. I see that already! I look forward to checking out your blog!
Such precious thoughts expressed in your post and in these comments. I have been a widow for three years and what I know is that when He keeps asking “Do you trust Me?” My answer was once “Well, yes, but no, but yes, well ok, no; but I want to.” And I saw that all He wanted was to know that I wanted to, and then the journey became one of continuous step by step healing, not merely surviving. My husband’s death left a hole in my life. The hole doesn’t go away, but I am learning to live around it. I offer my love and prayers to all of my fellow widows in Christ–He does hold some very, very dear place in His heart for us.
Kathleen – Thank you for your precious comment. Such wisdom from a widow that’s been on the journey for several years! Those of us newer on this road of grief need to read such wise words of encouragement.