By Leah Gillen
As the one-year anniversary of my husband’s suicide rapidly nears (25 days from today, to be exact)…I’ve been doing a lot of pondering. Easter 2011 was our last holiday together, and as we celebrated Easter 2012 just yesterday, I faced many bittersweet emotions.
As I pondered Christ’s empty tomb that we, who are His followers, so gloriously celebrated yesterday, I realized that I, too, have an empty tomb to celebrate. My tomb? Grief.
I’ve lived in a “grief tomb” off and on this past year. I have, at times, felt literally buried in my grief…suffocating on occasion…no air from the outside. But the day came…a few months ago…when the “stone” to my “grief tomb” was rolled away, and I walked out. I could see light again at the end of a very dark tunnel. I caught a glimpse of some of the magnificent healing work that God is doing in my life. It was then, that I realized the stone had been rolled away.
I was no longer suffocating with the physical effects of grief. My faith was becoming was my sight. All of the promises that God had been revealing to me where being realized. I felt alive again.
My husband has been gone for almost a year. In many cases, it feels like it was just yesterday. In other ways, I feel like he’s been in the arms of Jesus for much longer. In either case, God’s work of healing in my life these past 11+ months has been nothing short of miraculous.
I have openly grieved…
I’ve grieved through this blog…
I’ve grieved through my own website…
I’ve grieved through Facebook and Twitter…
I’ve grieved at church and amongst friends and family…
I’ve grieved with my counselor…
I’ve grieved in my own quiet spaces…
I’ve grieved alone and surrounded by friends.
I’ve grieved very hard this past year. I have not hidden myself from the grief work that I’ve needed to do, and I truly believe that’s why God has allowed my healing to manifest itself so vividly, so wholly, and many ways…so quickly. That does not diminish the fact that this will be a lifelong process, but the pain has lessened, the light is much brighter, and I not only know that I have hope, but I feel hope all around me!
Christ’s death was not the end…only the beginning…the tomb is empty…He is RISEN!
In a similar way, my husband’s death was not the end of me…it brought a new beginning…the tomb of my grief is empty…and I, too, will one day rise to my permanent home in Heaven, and I will stand at death’s funeral. Yes…death will die!
Until that time, I press onward…I run the race…and, I praise Him for carrying me through these 11 months. My sisters…I pray that the stone before your tomb of grief will one day roll away before your very eyes, and when you “step outside” for that first breath of new air, may you see the One that’s been carrying you, comforting you, and loving you through each day of your grief journey!
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Leah,
What a beautiful way to paint a picture of grief. The stone has been rolled away for me too, my friend and I can’t wait for the day when death is ended as well. Keep finding comfort in Him, your friends, family and all the other countless ways God finds to help heal your heart. I know the next 25 days will fly by and you’ll feel like you’re back in the “tomb” for a bit, but I know you won’t loose hope that the stone will be rolled away again and again for you. Blessings to you!
Thanks so much sweet Julie! I’m so thrilled to know that your grief tomb is empty too! Love you!
Leah, you put words to my feelings! I have such a picture of the grief ‘tomb’. And the stone being rolled away. Your words have action to them as well…looked up…walked out…caught a glimpse…felt alive. Some of it is a choice, don’t you think? To grieve well, and face the agony of loss, and then to look up and out and walk into the future w/ Him. He simply shines through you, hope oozes from your words. Thank you for being real and directing our gaze up and out. It’s hard to see Him when we are staring @ the ground! Hope-fully looking up…Danita
Danita – my sister – yes, I do believe it’s a choice – much like the man in need of healing that Jesus asked, “Do you want to be well?” I’ve made the choice to put feet to my faith – also an action word – and step out of the tomb! I’m so happy to be “hope-fully looking up” with you!
Leah, what a powerful post. Thank you for sharing that resurrection we all must experience in order to move forward as one with Christ.
Thanks Kitty! Love you lady!!!
Leah – I was led to this blog through P31 and saw the Single, Single Again icon and thought, “oh no I am not single…I’m married” and I can’t be a “widow” because I am a wife. But at the Lord’s urging I continued to read each writers bio and I thought yes I can relate a little, but there isn’t anyone who has experienced what I have, no one who can understand what I’m going through… the type of mourning that’s going on at my home…Until I read the last bio….yours. Oh how my heart almost stopped…could there really be someone else whose husband, a Christian, died through the “S” word? I quickly read everything you wrote and signed on to receive devotions from Widow’s Might. It’s only been 6 and a half weeks, and am going through the “grief work”. Easter Sunday has always been a celebration day, a day of hope, but now “Resurrection Sunday” has taken on a whole new dimension. I too sense a new beginning but I’m still in the old ending.
Oh sweet Brenda…you are most definitely not alone! In the last 11 months, I’ve met many women who’ve been widowed by suicide. I never dreamed there were so many of us out there. It was definitely a “wake up call” for me, in a sense, to the depth of such tragedy. I, too, felt all alone in the beginning. But, please know you are not alone…God will NEVER leave or forsake you, and you’ve also got your fellow widow sisters to walk alongside you. And…I’m definitely here, so feel free to bounce things off me anytime. You can also find me on my own website: leahgillen.org. I will be praying for you Brenda. I will never forget the pain of those early weeks, but I’m living proof of the healing work God can do in a broken heart surrendered to him. He’s the only one that can get us there, and I have no doubt He’ll carry you through these difficult days too!
What refreshing words. I have been a widow for over two years. It is no doubt in my mind that God is carrying me. May God Bless you.
Sherry – thank you for your sweet comment! I’m so thankful you’re allowing God to carry you through these years of widowhood. He’s the best Comforter we have!!!
I found this site by accident or let me re-phrase God led me to this site. I lost my husband in Oct. it will be 5 years. I truly am having the hardest time accepting it. I have become very lazy and let my home go to pot, I am trying to find a job no money coming in and I put my trust in God, but it’s been a struggle. Do yolu have any words of encourgement for me? I sure would appreciate some. Thank you
Sincerely
Rosie Pollack
Rosie – I’m so thankful God led you to A Widow’s Might! I pray that through the posts that He gives each of us to write that you may find even a snippet of His encouragement.
I can tell you that I would not be where I am today had it not been for a few things: (1) Prayer – I have prayed daily since my husband died a year ago. Sometimes the prayers are nothing more than “Help me!”, but I’ve talked to God daily, (2) Reading His Word. I’ve been in the Bible just about daily as well. It is my bread…my nourishment. I would rather eat from His Word than eat other “food” much of the time, because when I’m faithfully in His Word…it shows in how I feel and in the faith I can muster, (3) Counseling – I’ve received personal counseling, and I’ve also attended a Grief Share class. You can learn more about that at http://www.griefshare.org. Both were VITAL to my moving forward, (4) I also write a LOT about my feelings – through my personal blog (www.leahgillen.org) and through journaling.
I truly believe that God has healed my heart and allowed me to move forward as fully as He has, because I’ve been actively seeking His hand in this. I know that without Him, I’d be a mess! There are difficult days, but the good days FAR outweigh the bad days now, and I know that’s due to His unmerited grace and mercy.
I will be praying for you Rosie!
I was just brought to this website by a new friend who mentioned I might like to take a look at this site. Awesome! While the posts are somewhat hard to read (sad) it is comforting to know that I am not alone in having my husband die from suicide. It’s been 1 year and 2 weeks since his death. We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary and 5 days later he was gone. As hard as it is for me to comprehend, my 12 yr old son, who adored his father, is having an even harder time. He won’t talk about it at all. The last few weeks seem to be harder than the past year has been. My continued prayer is that something good will come of all of this.
Lisa – I’m so thankful that your friend led you to A Widow’s Might. We are a unique group of sisters bonded together through tragedy and loss but seeking hope through Him – our only TRUE Hope! I’ve heard several times that year two can be worse than year one. Since I’m just beginning year two (much like yourself), I can’t speak to that first-hand, but it might explain a little of why your son is having an even harder time right now. Has your son had any counseling? This might be something that could be really beneficial to him – especially now.
Personally, I will pray for you and your son and count it a privilege to do so. I’m so sorry that we had to connect on these terms, but I’m so grateful that God allowed our paths to cross. May He be your Comforter each day, especially on the darkest of days!