By Leah Gillen
It came. It went. The one year anniversary of my husband’s suicide. I had been preparing for last Friday (May 4) almost since May 4, 2011. I didn’t know what to expect. How would I feel? Would it be a day of tears? Would I feel a sense of relief that I completed a year of “the firsts”?
Ahh…the firsts…
The first time I attended church without him
The first time I slept in our bed alone
My first wedding anniversary as a new widow
The first Thanksgiving
The first Easter
His first birthday in Heaven
The first Christmas
The first time I laid eyes on his gravestone after being placed in the ground
The first time I went to visit my in-laws, and he didn’t accompany me
My first birthday as a widow
The first Valentine’s Day
And…of course…the first anniversary of his death
The list is endless. The “firsts” could go on and on it seems. I had a year full of them. And, I was somewhat disappointed to learn that “the seconds” are often worse than the firsts. Seriously? That’s not what I expected to hear, but I’m trying to be wisely prepared emotionally, or as much as I reasonably can be.
For me, part of that attempt at wise preparation has been tackling my grief experience head-on. I haven’t hidden my grief (okay – maybe parts of it – the parts that need to be strictly between God and me). On the contrary, I’ve tackled it quite openly through any tool I can get my hands on. Prayer, God’s Word, books, people, other widows, counseling, GriefShare, blogging, and journaling have been many of the resources that I’ve employed to aid me through this first year as a suicide widow. I shudder to think the place that I would be emotionally if I had chosen to just sit down, curl up in a ball, and do nothing! That’s not what Chris would want me to do, and it’s certainly not where God wants to find me.
However, the enemy would love to find me there. The deceiver himself would want nothing more than to see me give up on life. If I give up, I’m ineffective for Kingdom work. That’s right were Satan wants me. But God…
God has better plans for me…
Plans to prosper me and not harm me (Jeremiah 29:11)
Plans to give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)
Plans to rescue me from the mire and not let me sink (Psalm 69:14)
Plans to deliver me from the deep waters (Psalm 69:14)
Plans to protect me with His love and truth (Psalm 40:11)
Plans to guide me and restore comfort to me (Isaiah 57:18)
Plans to make me strong, firm, and steadfast following suffering (1 Peter 5:10)
Friends…I choose to cling to God’s plans for me. I choose NOT to believe the lies of the father of lies. God has never failed me and survival with healing during year one of widowhood has been one of his greatest areas to showcase his timeless faithfulness, grace, and love!
Continue to cling to His truth! Even on the hardest days…even with sobs pouring down your face…cling to Him. Speak His name…Jesus…Jesus…Jesus…at the name of Jesus, the enemy must flee!
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
a.m.e.n. ♥
Sheila – Thank you faithful friend! Love you!
Thank you for opening your heart Leah – it touches mine and touches God’s. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
Leah I have been through those firsts… and seconds but as you say never alone. However I have not openly worked at my grief with children, legal matters, businesses, and moving to attend to. Thank you for the reminder that it won’t just go away. And I thought I leaned on the Lord before this all happened!!!
Thank you Leah for your beautiful heart and ditto to all of the above comments. We can only do what we can do with God’s strength and guidance, sometimes we (I) don’t even realise His guiding hand just getting on with getting on and trying not to fall apart. Recently I have been noticing how ‘well’ I have been doing and wondering when the collapse will come, that is another snare of the enemy, if we (I) hang on to God He won’t let us (me) collapse more than I need to. I know that sounds a bit odd, but sometimes we need to collapse for a while to get back up and fight stronger. God Bless you Leah for your trust and love of the Lord Jesus and God our Father and continue to let the Holy Spirit guide you.xx
Brenda – Thank you for your sweet words and reminder of God as Comforter. He’s the only one that can comfort completely!
Pam – Oh sweet sister…I’m so glad that God spoke to you through these words and gave you that gentle reminder. He’s so faithful like that and has done that for me many times over.
Linda – Thank you for comment and wise words! It’s so good that you realize the enemy’s snares from the outset, but he’s definitely seeking to devour us. God won’t let that happen as we cling to Him! Stand strong sister!
Leah I remember feeling everything you wrote and looking at grief in the eyes and letting it know it was not going to defeat me and holding onto God and his word during this process. I am coming up on two years on May 28th. It is good to know that someone else experienced the same feelings and wants to LIVE although the Lord has allowed us to experience hardship, for we know it is building our faith in the most faithful God ever. I’ve never experienced God in this way before and I remember him telling me months before John passed “Run to Him.” I did not know what that meant, but I truly understand now and appreciate his loving arms embracing me. We serve an awesome God and we know all things (even this) is working for our good.
Shawn Marie – Thank you so much for your beautiful words! It is comforting to read how our Comforter has been there for you as well each step of the way. Blessings to you sister!
Thanks for these words. I thought of my grief as a terrible storm on a beach, when it is raw and the wind and rain cuts into your face. And I too felt the need to face it head on. Prayer
For me I found healing in listening to sons of Korah sing the Psalms.