By Julie Wright
The rainy season is upon us here in South Florida. Our afternoons are filled with large, billowing, and dark clouds charging in from the west like mighty giants who unleash torments of rain that darken the afternoon sky to the point where it looks like nighttime. The days meld together like one continuous storm that seems to have no end. The forecast feels gloomy and sad and we long for brighter, sunnier days to appear again for us.
The widowhood journey can sometimes feel that way too. A close family friend of ours lost her husband just a few weeks ago. He went in for routine surgery and never made it home. An infection caused stress to his heart and he passed away suddenly on the day he was to be released to go home. No one expected the “home” to be heaven that day. We shook our heads and wondered why such a tragedy could happen and then the clouds begin to roll in…
The clouds of sorrow, distress, isolation, and loneliness. The clouds surge in quickly and fill our minds with an overcast forecast of our new futures. They cause a haze that doesn’t allow us to see clearly, if at all. The clouds cause us to feel drained, empty and exhausted; but mostly alone. We wonder when they will stop and if the sun will peer out again, if even just for a moment.
As I sat on my patio this afternoon watching the clouds roll in again, I prayed for my friend. I remembered those first lonely days and weeks. My heart began to ache for her knowing the journey was far from over and that more cloudy days would be ahead for her. In fact, just talking with her and remembering cloudy days along this journey made a new cloud roll into my heart and life. It’s strange how this widowhood path can fill up with cloudy days in the blink of an eye.
The storm clouds passed through our neighborhood quickly today with a brief but strong shower of rain. Thankfully, just as quickly the sunlight was shining again, glistening on the dewdrops left behind on our flowers. I smiled as I realized that while the clouds seem dark, heavy and intimidating at times, the sun never stops shining above them. We may not be able to see the sun all the time, but it’s there. He’s there…in His full glory, brilliance and beauty. He watches the clouds billow and rage over us, sometimes to the point where all we see is darkness; we can’t see Him, but He sees us.
I picked up my Bible and began looking at verses relating to clouds. I found verse after verse that told of God’s glory and care being in those clouds. In Exodus 13:21, “By the day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on the way and by night a pillar of fire to give them light. Neither left its place in front of the people” and again in Exodus 16:10, “…the glory of the Lord appeared in the cloud.”
Nahum 1:3 says that “the clouds are the dust of his feet.” I liked that one. I could just picture God walking around kicking the clouds as He walked along…just big, puffy, white clouds of dust covering his feet. Can you imagine that? Can you see God just walking along, shuffling through the clouds, moving them along so that He can shine on us again?
I love looking up and seeing the rays of light so white and pure radiating out from a cloud after a rainstorm. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my face, even when tears stream down. It made me grateful today for cloudy days. Although they seem to outnumber my sunshiny days, in reality the tally isn’t even close. There are far more sunshine filled days, than cloudy ones.
If the clouds of widowhood are surrounding you today and all you see are endless storms of isolation, pain, sorrow and emptiness, please remember that the sun is still shining behind those clouds. That God is right there with you. Whether or not you can see or feel his presence; He is there. Ready to shine down on you with hope, tranquility, joy, and peace. Let the clouds surge and swell around you. Let the rains of your sadness and loneliness flow from them and then look up and see the Son again…He’ll be there. He promises.
Heavenly Father,
I ask you to help us to look past the haze and mist caused from the storms and clouds that fill our lives along this tough and fragile widowhood journey to find the beauty, brilliance and love in you and your Word. Although we sometimes lose sight of you from the overcast and isolating clouds of fear, doubt and grief; deep down, we know you are there. Shine on us. Keep your hand upon us and wipe the rain of tears from our eyes to allow us to see your glory and love once again. We will look to the heavens with great hope and expectation for storms or sunshine, knowing you are in both. Amen.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Julie,
Your description spoke into the very “ache” I am feeling today. Thank you!! Ten months into this, it feels in some ways only the beginning. I so wish I found comfort in knowing that God is with me. I have no doubt that He is, but it just doesn’t seem like enough. As I watch my 20 year old son wrestle with his first “fatherless” Father’s day my grief becomes magnified along with my anger. He is SO angry with God and I understand that better than I ever have before. What does give me comfort and brings about cleansing tears, are post just like the one you wrote today. To feel so validated and understood I know is part of God’s way of “being there” for us. I just wish it seemed like enough in relation to what we have lost.
Thank you for the wonderful post!
I’m floundering around in the clouds myself and keep trying to encourage myself in the Lord. I even wrote a post last week entitled “When God Isn’t Enough”. This is such a hard, hard journey.
Julie,
I appreciate this post so much. Today marks 22 months for me and woke up to grey skies. I know the sun will shine again, but the grey days are difficult.
How I long to help those of you who get angry at God. Remember that He is all-wise and all-seeing. He knows the future. He did what was best not only for you but for many people affected by your husband’s death. Please take it seriously that we are to REVERENCE God. Being angry with Him is not reverence. He has given us many more blessings than we deserve. He made us, planned our lives, and loves us. Each event is planned to make us more like Jesus. Jesus never got angry with God. He said, “I don’t speak my own words.” Maybe we should be more careful to not want to be validated. We surely don’t want to live in anger. Our children will not be helped by our remaining angry. We need to realize that a LOT of people are watching us: at the grocery store, at the dentist office, in the neighborhood, at the gas station. We need to reflect God’s goodness. That comes from daily reading His Word, writing out and memorizing verses that comfort us and tell us of His love, singing praises to him (especially with our children if they are willing), and talking about our feelings with our brothers and sisters at church. I have been amazed a few times that others at church miss my husband. I miss him so much that I fear I worship him. But I feel so much better to find that others remember him and miss him. Talk about your loneliness, your good memories, your needs that he used to take care of, your fears. Others care and just may not know how to bring it up. My biggest helping verses are Rom. 8:28, John 14:27, and Heb. 13:5. Those are just the three that quickly came to my mind. A friend gave me a table-top calendar that has a verse a day. Some of the verses spoke to me so strongly, I carefully tore them off and taped them to the wall. I taped songs to my kitchen cupboards to help me meditate on and praise God. I hope this helps you. I’m sure you don’t WANT to be angry with God. That is the devil’s goal for us: to be angry. God’s goal is for us to praise Him and please Him. We have to sacrifice our feelings in order to have praise to give the Lord God Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth. Amen!
Dear Jamie,
I am so grateful that anger isn’t as issue for you. It is wonderful that you feel God letting your husband die was the best thing for you and others. I am sure it makes the grief a little easier to look at it that way.
I certainly think being validated is a lot more genuine then being judged, which is what your post projected. Being honest with God about where I am at and what I am struggling with is part of having a relationship with Him. I think it takes more trust to be that honest with Him then to pretend the feelings don’t exist. After all He did create us to have those feelings and He tells us to come to Him for everything.
To deny my anger would be to deny a part of who I am and would not allow me to move forward in this grief. God knows my heart, you don’t, and I praise Him for that!
Just Another Widow, you are NOT “just another widow”! You are special and loved by a great, big, wonderful God!!! My heart aches with you in your time of loss! I am not a widow…yet…my husband and the father of my 4 children is facing a battle for his life with rare, aggressive cancer. I have found sooooo many posts on this blog to be so very appropo even to my life right now! I have been in a situation of anticipatory grief…and it comes in waves. I wanted to share with you specifically that my heart is hurting for you and that you are loved. “The LORD has chosen you to be his treasured possession.” Deut. 14:2 Your comments above we’re so gracious even through the pain! God be with you, dear, and bless you in ways of which you have never dreamed! May He hold you more closely today than yesterday and guide you in whatever tomorrow may hold.
Dear SJW,
I just had to respond as the tears roll down my cheeks from your beautiful, thoughtful words. Thank you for being willing to “meet me where I am” the way Jesus talks about.
My heart throbbed as you talked about your husband and situation. My Bob died 15 years after battling a serious heart condition, a battle which they had told us would never last as long as he did, thank you God that I got to have him here longer then expected. So I get the”anticipatory grief” that you are referring to. It is so hard to try and “stay in the moment” with them and not try to mentally prepare for what may come. Please allow me to offer this prayer for you……
Dear Lord, I bring before you this precious woman and her family. Father please wash over her with your reassuring presence, gently wipe away the tears and fears that can grip at her heart. Fill them with the wisdom and knowledge on how you want them to proceed on this journey. Wrap your loving arms around all the emotions that each of them must be feeling, and one by one sort through it with them.Bless this marriage, bless these parents, and unite them as a family as never before. In your name we ask these things…AMEN
Thank you so very much for the sweet prayer… I treasure it! And a heartfelt thank you to each of the women who open their hearts and lay their lives, their memories, their highs, and their lows out in these blog postings in order that others may be encouraged, strengthened, and blessed.
Julie,
I can’t tell how much I have appreciated you reaching out to me at this devastating time in my life. I am finally writing thank you notes. I have put them off . . . feeling a heaviness of having to do them, yet at the same time feeling so guilty for not thanking the many wonderful people who have loved and supported me and our family during this time. I have always been so timely in thanking people in the past, but then again I have never experienced the depth of the feelings I now have. Thank your for sending me “Streams in the Desert” – a book of daily devotional readings. I have the book next to my bed and it often gives me the peace I need to get through the day. It has only been two months since this tragedy. I am very fortunate to have my sons, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren surrounding me – but I can’t put into words the loneliness I feel after almost 39 years of being married. I am just starting to experience the reality of his loss. I thank you for your continued prayers and good thoughts.
Love,
Sue
Dear Sue,
I was just reading your comment. I am so very sorry for your loss. I could relate so well to the witing thank you notes. I too was always good about expressing gratitude but that task was so daunting to me. I realized much later that is was because it was the first REAL expression of the reality of what had happened in my life, it wasn’t a lack of gratitude that prevented me from doing them it was the difficulty in facing the reality, so please be patient with yourself and remember the people who reached out didn’t do it to get a thank note they did it out of love. Two months is a “blink of any eye” when dealing with grief and lonliness is certanily a very normal emotion to be having, though a very painful one as well.
I was married 28 years and coming up on the 1st full year of traveling this “Grief Road”.
My dear lady you too will make it through, there are no easy answers but you will find what works best for you and that will change from emotion to emotion, allow yourself that freedom.
Again I am truly sorry that you had to join us along this path but it is a path well traveled and therefore makes navigating it possible, with God ALL things are possible.
Praying peace over your “grieving heart”