By Julie Wright
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. “
Matthew 5:4 Msg
With the recent passing of my uncle just a few short weeks ago, a new flood of emotions fell upon my heart quickly. It started with the feelings of sadness for my aunt. Knowing how hard the days, weeks and months ahead would be for her and the family. Especially after forty four years of marriage. I only made it to thirteen years. I can only imagine how much harder it would have been to be married almost a half century. To faithfully be by his side through all the ups and downs of his all too brief battle with cancer. What a testimony of love that is!
The feelings of sadness gave way to some hope in knowing that my uncle was no longer suffering in his earthly, cancer ridden body. Hope in the knowledge that one day I will join him and others in heaven forever…rejoicing and praising God with all our might. Hope in knowing our earthly time is short compared to the eternity we will spend in heaven.
Then the hope gave way to endless tears that fell harder and harder the more I let my “feelings” get the best of me. Tears that fell for all the moments that would no longer be shared together. Tears for all the holidays, birthdays and milestones of our children that he can longer celebrate with us. Tears for all the decisions, changes, and future endeavors that need to be made without him.
That’s when I realized that I can’t let my “feelings” get the better of me. I can’t allow them to cloud my judgment of how God truly “feels” about me. Our emotions are so raw and flippant in the early stages of grief. I remember telling everyone that “I’m fine. Really, we’re all fine,” knowing that if they followed me home and plucked the roof off to peek inside, they would find me curled in the fetal position crying on top of our bed. I bet they wouldn’t think I was “amazing, so God-centered, and strong” at that point.
But regardless of how we are truly feeling or how we may interpret the feelings we have for God, the truth is He loves us. Even when He’s taken the one person who is most dear to us on this earth, He loves us. It’s in that time that we can start to feel loved and embraced by God and begin to move towards those feelings of hope, wholeness and love again. One painful step at a time…
Allow God to love you through friends.
Allow God to love you through strangers.
Allow God to love you through your church.
Allow God to love you through your family.
Allow God to love you through your emotions. The good ones and the bad ones. He created us. He knows how we really feel. Don’t mask it or pretend your feelings aren’t allowed. Emotions are a healthy outlet of our pain. Let them flow.
Allow God to love you. Period.
That is when you will begin to “feel” whole again; when you are embraced by the One who is most dear to you.
Heavenly Father,
Meet us where we are. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, and grief or even in the feelings that say, I’m okay. I’ve got this. Help us to remember that you are there. You are the One who will embrace us tightly and get us through the deepest, darkest valley to the other side. You are the One who can love us with an everlasting love. Help us to “feel” that love even when we feel completely unlovable. Most of all help us to know that our emotions, our feelings are okay. Allow us to fall before you and let it all out, the good and the bad, knowing that when we are through, You will be there with arms wide open every time. Thank you, Lord, for meeting me wherever I am, every time. I pray the women needing to feel you near will embrace you with a fresh new feeling of hope, peace, and love. Amen.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh My Dear Julie,
As I read the title to this article it took my breath away because I am having such a hard time letting God love me.
As the one year anniversay of this grief comes at the end of this month it is harder to “feel” God’s love even though I “know” that He loves me.
Thank you for letting us into your heart and expressing it so well. The “gift” of your prayer at the end was “God loving us” through you!!!
Last night, I was awakened in the middle of the night again. I always dislike this, as I often get to bed late and I want to sleep as long as I can before duty makes me get up to get the kids up and keep them in a normal schedule. I couldn’t go to sleep and I started praying, as usual. You know what thought the Lord put into my mind? “Oh, you can’t sleep either, Lord. You never slumber nor sleep. You missed me and just wanted me to talk to you a little. I used to wake Ken up and say, ‘I can’t sleep.’ That always meant a time of intimacy. Now you want me to turn to You for intimacy. OK, I see You love me like my husband loved me. He never minded that I woke him to talk. Now you are doing the same thing. So, what do you want to talk about?” That would have sounded crazy to me before Ken died, but now I know that God wants us to really be close to Him, intimate with him. How silly that I thought of intimacy as only with a physical husband!
One thought that your post brought to my mind: I keep reading how many widows get angry with God and think the thing to do is tell God off (my paraphrase). And I always cringe when I read that. My husband and I used a rule that I think knit us together through some very tough times and that was not to let the sun go down on our anger (Eph. 4:26). Obviously, sometimes the sun was already down. But we NEVER went to sleep if one of us was angry with the other. Sometimes we talked until 2 am, but we worked it out every time until we could say “I love you” again. We need to do that with God. And it doesn’t mean yelling and accusing. It may mean crying, but you will have to live with the memory of what you said and so will the other person. God is willing to converse with you, too. Don’t be angry with Him for any extended period of time, It keeps you from being able to share the joys that come during the day, because you “aren’t speaking to Him.” Always look at what YOU have done wrong. That is what helped me quit accusing Ken; I stopped and asked God to show me MY fault, though I was sure I would not be able to see one. Sure enough, the answers came rolling right in: I HAD said this. I HAD rolled my eyes. I HAD done what he didn’t want me to do. I HAD let the children ignore that rule sometimes. I HAD spoken without regard for Ken’s feelings. The more I opened myself to the Holy Spirit, the more He gently showed me what I needed to repent of and apologize for. I knew it would be hard to apologize and confess, but that when I did, I would feel better. It is the same way with the Lord, now. The sooner you quit thinking about how bad you feel and think about how bad you are hurting God’s feelings (AND HE DOES HAVE FEELINGS), the sooner you will be intimate with Him again. AND THAT FEELS GOOD!
Dear Betty, I read your comment and I too am having a hard time letting God love me. In fact I am having a very hard time feeling anything but sadness,lonlyness, emptiness. It has not been quite two months since my husband went to his heavenly homeland it seems to get harder instead of easier. I am a pretty strong person and have made it through other difficult times, all with the help of my Lord. I know He will get me through this also, but I really do not feel it happening. I go through the days and hardly know what I have done. I have not stayed alone yet. I have not even stayed at home yet. I just cannot go home without my husband. I just cannot believe he will not be there. I know I am not alone.Many others feel the same pain. I also know many will. I also know that I will be with my loved ones again and with Jesus.i know that will be more wonderful than any thing on this earth. I cannot wait for that day,but I know God has a plan for me here. I pray to trust in His goodness. Thank you to all of you sweet women who share their journey of grief. God has blessed us. My prayers to each of you as we learn to live our next phase of this life. God bless you .