By Nancy Howell
I’m a widow of almost one year. It’s still hard. I have days that are filled with tears, sadness, and “what-ifs.” I look at my two sons, growing up without their dad, and it breaks my heart.
I hope to share many experiences with you in the future. But for this, my first AWM devotion, I prayed that God would help me put into words the constant that has characterized my life since my husband’s death. And He is faithful to do just that, because it came to me this morning: bent but not broken.
During this past year, I’ve had countless times I just wanted to give up. I would’ve liked nothing better than to have drawn the curtains, stayed in my pajamas, curled up in bed alongside my cat with a box of tissues, and cried. Cried for what I’ve lost. Cried for what could have been. Cried for what my boys will grow up without. I could’ve done that for days.
But I didn’t have that luxury. Two boys, only 8 and 9 when their dad died, now had only me. I was the new sheriff in town, the one making all the decisions, the new head of our household. They were looking to me for strength and courage, for reassurance that we were going to be okay. Overwhelmed, I went on automatic pilot, doing what needed to be done. God helped me with every decision—whether big, little, easy, or exasperating. As I look back, those first months were a blur.
Up was down, down was up. But in the midst of the Texas-sized tornado that was our life after losing our husband and daddy, we surprisingly found ourselves still standing. Our roots were stronger than I ever imagined. And as we struggled to deal with a year of “firsts” without Mark, my children and I recognized our God wasn’t going to let us break. I’ll be blunt. There were instances I felt certain we’d splinter into a million pieces. Facing birthdays, a wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas—all in the first 5 months—was unbelievably difficult, but we endured. Through all of our pain, grief, and sadness, God is with us, steady and true. His love never fails. We see He’s not going anywhere.
In my family’s case, we’re still bent from our loss. We’ve huddled together against the wind, the rain, and the elements that threatened to uproot us. I can see that we are beginning to unbend a bit, if ever so slightly. We appreciate that our blessings are numerous even now. The sun still shines upon us, and life continues. Each day we encounter grace in many forms.
We will never be the same as we were before. That’s okay. We trust that God knows what He’s doing, and that good will sprout from the bad. I’m forever thankful for the Rock upon which we’re planted. I don’t mind being a bit bent, as long as I’m still growing in God’s eyes.
“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” Romans 8:28 (NLT)
Father, Thank you for this opportunity to share my unimagined journey with others. I pray that my circumstances will be used for your glory, and that the comfort you’ve given my family is something I can share with others in similar situations. I’m so glad that you love me enough to keep me standing, and make me flexible enough to bend when necessary. Amen.
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Ah, Nancy . . . . . . . .. .
What a joy that you can express your faith so eloquently, that it reaches deep into our hearts and minds as we read your words. Congratulations on another “first”. I’m thrilled that you have been given this platform to share your thoughts, and I know your readers will feel blessed, as I do, to be allowed into your life through your writings. Love and Hugs and Prayers for you and your boys.
Welcome Nancy!
Thank you for sharing! I too am a widow of almost one year… July 27th 2011. I could so relate to you saying all the “first” you had to go through just in those few months afte his death.
I like the bent not broken image because I sure feel broken. As I flipped my calendar over to July, I thought how dare this horrid month show up again after all it put me through a year ago, sounds silly I know but it made me feel better to say it.
My son was 19 when he watched his dad take his last breath so I can’t imagine what it is like to have young boys to try and help make sense out of it and grieve yourself. I am so very sorry for your loss Nancy.
Dear Just Another Widow,
Thank you for your sweet words. We are kindred spirits, walking a path we didn’t want. I feel the same way about this terrible month. This time last year, my family was on vacation, having the time of our lives. Three weeks later, we’re without our daddy and husband.
Such is life. How wonderful our Lord is to carry us whenever we can’t walk ourselves.
My prayer for you and your son is to feel God’s all encompassing arms around you, filling your every need. You may feel broken, friend, but you are anything but.
Blessings to you both….
Nancy we’re so happy to have the pleasure of hearing your story! I must say boys are a blessings when it comes to loss. Typically, boys are playful and honest with you about their emotions. It’s been five years for us and I can now look at my boys and recognize how ever so blessed I am. God is truly good!
Thank you Nancy ((((HUGS)))))) xx
Nancy,
I feel your pain. I lost my husband in November. We have 3 small children, now ages 1, 3, and 5. I was VERY pregnant with our youngest when we learned of the real possibility of his passing. But our Lord was with all of us the whole way. We often referred to seeing His ‘fingerprints’ all around us. The hard part now is trying to help my son understand that although he is different he is no less special.
I doubt the younger two will have any real memories of their Dad.
I pray God continue leading all of us down a road of grace and healing!
Nancy- Thank you for sharing the pain, struggles and your faith that has helped you to cope with the death of your husband. Please accept my condolences. I lost my husband in December 2011 to a very rare cancer, and I am alone raising my 14 year-old son. I have no family nearby and I am praying on whether to move back to NJ next summer. I have to wait to do some healing first.
I truly loved your “bent not broken.” We endured Christmas, Valentine’s day, my son’s birthday, and our wedding anniversary all in the first two months after his death and it was very hard. Your words are inspiring and I thank you!
Nancy, thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully. I love the words ‘bent but not broken’ . It gives us all such a great visual of our position in the storms of life, sometimes we feel our heads can almost touch the ground but still He is there with love and care and laughter helping us to become upright again. . Welcome to the team…I can’t wait to hear more of your story
I ditto everything that Danita said so perfectly. Can’t wait to hear more of your story either. Thanks for sharing so beautiful this week.
Nancy – Your words speak so clearly to me and I’m sure to countless others traveling Grief Road. So thankful to see how beautifully you let God carry you along this path! Welcome to the AWM team sweet lady!
My dear sister,
It has been 4 years today my late husband was called home by God. It was sudden (he was sick only 4 days); better for him but a shock for me and my children. I know all about those “firsts”. To boot, our son was getting married in Oct. and my husband, a pastor, was going to marry them. The verse you cited came up as a Scripture lesson in church the week after he died and it was my turn to lector. i was asked whether I wanted someone else to do it and I said I wanted to read it myself. That verse just rang in my spirit as I read, struggling to hold back tears. I wanted to read it to God’s glory and as a testimony to what I was expecting the Lord to do. It was a tough year and He never let me go, though I of course had bad days. My kids were adults, so I did not have to be two parents in the same way as you, but that also meant that I was without them most of the time. In 2000, Joe and I had come to New Hampshire to do full-time ministry and our children were still in NY. I had friends who I felt were close, but I did not know how close they were until they, in various ways, loved and supported me through that first year. I am now remarried to a widower, but I still miss Joe every day, sometimes many times a day, especially on holidays, special days and, like now, onthe anniversary of his home-going. God will continue to hold you in the palm of His hand, but you are right when you say you will never be the same. Neither will your boys. God will use this all to your good, but the image of the widow who moves on past the grief isn’t so, at least I have not found it so. She can move THROUGH the grief, forward on her journey, but the grief never totally leaves. That’s OK. That’s part of life too. I pray for you and the others who have left comments, especially those who are bringing up children on their own..Of course, none of us is really alone. Thanks be to God.
It’s been 1 yr and 3 months since my husband passed away. My son (12)and I just took our first vacation and it was very hard to plan. I suddenly felt almost panicked that we were going to go somewhere ‘all alone’. God is good though…plans changed and we ended up going with my sister-in-law. Next time we may be ready for our own adventure. Now my son is at his Aunt’s house for 2 weeks, so I am all alone. Alone and very quiet. Time for a lot of prayer and reflection. It was hard to let my son out of my site for one day much less 2 weeks! But here we are, 1 week down and 1 more to go. A few more ‘firsts’ just when I thought we’d gotten through all of them.
I am thrilled that you have this site to share your words and wisdom. Now your courageous journey and faith will be shared with many more, and many more will be blessed and encouraged through your words
. Isn’t God’s plan amazing and surprising? You just never know what God has in store 
.
Nancy, Thank you for sharing your story. Your words rang so true in my heart. I have been through a divorce with my husband who then passed away 2-1/2 years later leaving me to raise our (then) 7-year-old twins (boy/girl) by myself. The divorce came with much grief and anguish but had to be due to alcoholism, but then piled on top of that was the grief of his passing (which was the result of his continued drinking). Broken …yes that word definitely has an impact for me. As the days/weeks/years go by, I feel like I am rising above, just to be pushed back down again with grief in my heart. I never imagined my life would take such hard turns. I have been through a lot of pain and heart ache in my life and a lot of loss of relatives all my life, but this one nearly distroyed me. If not for my faith in God and His love and provisions I would not be where I am today. I continue to trust in God, but those moments of devastation continue to creep in and try to bring me down. It is in reading stories like this that continue to give me hope and courage and that I am not alone. Most importantly that God does still have a plan for all of us. Again thank you for sharing your story with us.