By Julie Wright
“As a woman …writhes and cries out in her pain,
so were we in your presence, O Lord. ” Isaiah 26:17
Do you ever feel like you are just barely hanging on?
Barely able to feel anything?
Like you are just existing in this space and time, but you are not sure how?
The days seem to just flit by like a little butterfly drifting through a gentle breeze?
Then it happens, you start to cry.
You start to remember.
You start to wish for just one more conversation. One more kiss. One more…of anything.
The “space” just seems to envelop you and you just don’t know what to do.
God seems far away. Cruel even. You know better. Your mind tells you that God is near. That He does care, but you heart just aches with too much disbelief.
It feels like God is NOWHERE.
That a God who is suppose to be loving, kind and gentle would never allow such pain, heartache and sorrow to be a part of our lives. A God who has experienced great loss through His own son, Jesus, certainly would want to keep us from such grief. Right?
Then, just as easily as I allow Satan to take hold of my thoughts, my longings for the future and my sorrow, God appears. In the space…
A simple space can change your whole perspective.
God is NOWHERE.
God is NOW HERE.
Exact same letters, but the space is moved. God is in the space.
Through my tears of the approaching three year anniversary, I saw God in my space. Through those “God-incidences” that happen when you least expect it. (Those coincidences that you know in your heart could only be from above.)
Our son started high school this week. I was angry at God for taking his daddy from him so he couldn’t see him walk confidently on campus. Mad that he was missing his son’s first football try-out and practices. Mad that I’m the one left here raising a boy who looks exactly like his father. Feeling that God is NOWHERE around us…He would never let me do all these things on my own. What child wouldn’t want his daddy here to watch him run across the field? What child wouldn’t want his daddy here to talk about all the “manly” changes that so quickly appeared this summer?
It’s cruel. It’s harsh. It’s hard. It’s reality.
Our son is playing freshman football; a sport that his grandpa played at Virginia Tech. His practice jersey was handed out at the start of practice and as I scanned the field during the remaining minutes of the afternoon, tears welled in my eyes.
God-incidence number one: My son’s jersey number is the same as his grandfather’s.
I couldn’t wait to tell him. My son just smiled and said, “Yep, I could feel daddy and grandpa pushing me on today. It was a tough practice. Isn’t it funny how God works like that mom? Its super cool I got grandpa’s number too! How crazy is that?”
We arrived home to hear the giggles of my daughter as she shared stories of her first day at a new school and ride on the bus. My heart was wishing her daddy was here to see her all proud and confident. Her bubbly personality is all from him. As we asked her about the new campus and if she made any new friends, she triumphantly replied, “I had a blast. I made a friend on the bus. She was in my class and I got to sit with her. It was a great day. They even have two sunflowers growing right outside my teacher’s window. They made me smile and think of daddy and grandpa.” God-incidence number two.
So, as the anniversary date approaches and it feels as if God is nowhere in those flashbacks, memories and what could have been, I’m grateful that in small, but meaningful ways, He gently reminds me that He is there.
In the space.
The space that I sometimes shift in my anger, sorrow and grief.
In the space of our new beginnings and new chapters without daddy and grandpa. In the space of our hearts where the holes will always exist this side of heaven.
He is there. Waiting to hold us, comfort us and carry us through because He is “now here.” Just like He has always been. In the space.
I’m praying you feel Him close to you in your space as well. And if you don’t today, know that it is okay…the nowhere will turn into now here when you least expect it.
Even on those long, difficult days and anniversaries, He is in the space.
Watch for Him.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I love the reminder in the word nowhere – now here!
I have been a widow for almost three years. The road has been lonely and scary at times. There are so many things I miss about my husband, but I’m thankful I will see him again. Everyday I learn more and more about Gods presence with me. Like the George Strait song that says, I Saw God Today’. Just watch and listen, you will feel that “happy shock” in your heart! Let Him lift you up.
Blessings!
Beautiful. Simply beautiful. I felt some of that anger tonight, as I escorted my two boys to “meet the teacher” night. I told them how sorry I was that their daddy couldn’t be with us tonight, as we readied to get out of the car.
My older son, A.J., said, “But Mom, he’s here. I can feel him. He’s always here. We just can’t see him.”
Such true pure words from a 5th grader, a 10 year old.
And it was easier than last year’s event, where their daddy had been gone less than a month.
You are right. God is now here…
hugs from Texas!
My Dearest Julie,
Your post just gave me the God is Now Here moment. I can hardly see to type this the tears are coming so fast. Thank you for being so “real” and having the courage to share it. What precious words from a precious heart.
Peace~Hope~Healing
Betty
Julie,
Thanks for your post this morning. Your words described so well many of the feelings that I have. I am a “grandma” so I do not have the responsibilites of raising young children like many of you do. My husband passed in his sleep 7 months ago with no warning that anything was wrong. We had just celebrated our 48th wedding anniversary 4 days before. We spent everyday together and barely went anywhere without each other. I just feel as though part of me is gone – now I am trying to find where I “fit in”. I was not able to stay alone so have been with our daughter and her family hundreds of miles from where we were living.
I know that God loves me and will be with me on this journey but I seem to need that reassurance every minute of everyday! I pray that “the nowhere will turn into now here” soon and that the feelings of hopelessness will get less as time goes on.
Thanks again for sharing – this site has been a real encouragment to me.
Much Love,
Karen
Lu,
I’m praying for you, sweet friend. I am about to approach the three year anniversary myself. I love that George Strait song as well. Hoping you’ll feel lots of “happy shocks” today.
Nancy,
Those back to school open houses are the pits…especially when your loss is so fresh. Kids do process things differently than we do. I’m glad your children sense his presence and that they are helping you feel that God is now here. Bigs hugs back to you from Florida.
Betty,
Peace, hope and healing to you as well my friend. God certainly is now here, even through our tears.
Karen,
I’m so sorry for your loss after such a milestone celebration of love. I know how painful those days, weeks and months are trying to “fit in” and find your new footing in widowhood. Take it one day, one moment at a time. God will reassure you every day…just look for Him. Love, hugs and prayers for you!
Love and prayers for you all!
Julie
Julie. Wow. What a perfect post for this new school year, as all of us with kids are faced with the fact that we are ‘it’ . And the one we wish could see them grow and change is not here to share it.
Nowhere. Now Here. I love it. And I love that when we look for Him, He is always there somewhere in the midst of it all. Thanks for sharing your heart so beautifully.
Julie, thank you so much for this post. This has been a long summer for me and my family…June 22nd was the third anniversary of my sweet husband going to his heavenly home. Don’t really know why, but this year seemed to be the hardest for me. Really needed to be reminded that when I feel my God is nowhere that He is now here… in my space. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom.
I recently joined the sisters of the widowhood March, 5, 2012 after my husband John ended is 2 year fight against the cancer that ravaged his body and peacefully crossed over to the other side to be met by his loving Savior. We had been blessed to be wed for 37 years, great years, not perfect but really close. We got the sudden diagnosis of stage 4 cancer at his first doctor visit, as you might expect quite a shock. That night we held each other and cried, I said to John this road we are now on will allow us to make a choice, bitter or better, we chose better. we focused on being thankful for the years and life God had given to us instead of the possibility that our time together might soon be coming to an end. Focusing on 1Thes.5:16 Rejoice always, pray continually,give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is GOD”S WILL for you in Christ Jesus. Thankfully , with God’s grace I was able to have an eternal perspective, understanding God always has a plan and a purpose for everything. After walking with Him for 25 years I must say I have never felt closer to Him, he is my husband now. Some folks have asked me “Are you mad at God?” my reply “Are you kidding me, I had a taste of heaven in this fallen world, a man who loved the Lord and loved me unconditionally,whether I was a size 12 or size 24 and everything in between, who made me laugh, and always asked me if I was happy, who put my feelings above his own and kept peace with a very difficult Italian father-in for my sake.” I am involved with a new widow’s ministry at church, showing the DVD series by Miriam Neff, author of “From One Widow to Another” an excellent book all widows would find immensely helpful for our journey. She has a wonderful website called Widowconnection. There is nothing better for us than to connect with other widows who know all the feelings and emotions involved with our loss. My prayer is that we can and will move beyond our loss and focus on what the Lord has for us, a hope and a future and most of all be thankful for all the blessings the Lord has given us, for they are many. His grace is sufficient for me.
Linda,
I really appreciated your attitude. That anger can lead to bitterness. But we can choose to not go that route. Last night, ladies, I had to face something similar, at least from my perspective. I bought chocolate bars, marshmallows, and graham crackers. The kids really wanted a cookout and wanted to use the camping dutch oven I bought a couple of months ago. I just didn’t have the heart to use it. Without Ken, a campfire would be meaningless. I thought. But the kids did everything and I just sat and cried and called out to God in my heart. And the evening mellowed out. We ended with singing hymn after hymn. No wind to blow that annoying smoke in my eyes. The kids eagerly showing me their perfect marshmallows. Chasing the cats away from our “camp” out in the field by the yard. Looking at the stars together and trying to find constellations. I realized I CAN enjoy the outdoors with them. And they actually enjoy being with me. We don’t HAVE to have Dad to enjoy life. I didn’t see how we could. But we have GOD and loves to see us all together. So he sent perfect weather and a bright moon to give us a peaceful, happy evening. Just hang on and keep asking Jesus to help you. I’m getting to know Jesus!
Dear Julie ,your words seem as if they came from my heart. Sometimes itdoes
Sorry, I goofed and pressed submit before I finished, As I had begun, sometimes God seems nowhere but more than not He is now here.Thank you for your message. I just lost my husband of 43 years . it is the most difficult time of my life. I am finding great comfort sharing with other Christain widows. Our God is good. My love and prayers.