by Leah Gillen
“The Lord will not waste a single tear that you’ve shed since Chris died. Not one.” If she’s said it to me once, she’s said it at least a dozen times. My friend, Lorie, has been quick to reassure me the tragedy of my husband’s suicide would not be wasted…that God would be glorified even through something so horrific and He would use me in spite of my brokenness.
In the early days and months, those were tough words to swallow. I believed her, but I simply couldn’t see it. My “new normal” life as a widow seemed so dysfunctional.
I couldn’t make simple decisions.
I couldn’t get through most days without an emotional breakdown.
The simplest things in life became the most difficult.
How in the world would God use this “mess” of a woman for His glory? While I didn’t know or understand just then, I still committed myself to Him and whatever work He planned to do through me.
Suicide is such an ugly word – or at least it seemed that way to me at the time. Anytime someone would ask how my husband passed away, I would honestly share, “he committed suicide”. You could almost visibly see the shift in expression or movement that resulted in a little more space between us. It made people uncomfortable. They didn’t know what to say or how to respond. And you know what? I totally understood that. I really did.
Prior to Chris’ suicidal death, I wouldn’t have known how to respond either…I would have wanted to withdraw that question as soon as it escaped my lips if I had known that would be the answer. However, God has definitely made me sympathetic and empathetic to those that are “suicide survivors” – the term officially used for family members left to survive the suicide of a loved one. As a result of having “survived” this experience myself, I’ve been acquainted with numerous other women (especially) and a few men and children that have lost relatives to suicide. I’ve been privileged to pray for them/with them, to pass along resources that have helped me along my journey. I’ve been asked a couple of times to share “my story” of God’s redemptive hope that’s been poured out upon me through this heartbreak. I’ve been asked to guest blog about my journey upon occasion and to even “counsel” with other suicide survivors.
Each time my throat wells up and my eyes form new tears (because, that continues to happen ladies…even after healing), I praise God that He’s not allowing one of those tears to be wasted. While I wish I never had to experience something so horrific, I am so thankful that God has allowed my tragedy to be used for His glory!
Has it been easy? Far from it! But, God doesn’t ask us to do “easy” – just to trust Him and give Him our “difficulties”. I had no other choice ladies…I couldn’t carry this burden alone. I had to give it to Him. All of it. And in return? He’s restored so much more than I could ever imagine!
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores (emphasis mine) my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” (Psalm 23:1-3 NIV1984)
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Leah,
How eloquent your words, and how beautiful your journey. Our God is so amazing to take something so bad and turn it into good!
I am so proud of you, and so happy for the next chapter of your life.
Hugs from Texas!
Nancy
Thank you sweet Nancy! You have no idea how much your words mean to me right now.
Love ya!
Oh My Dear Leah,
I was sitting here crying and talking to my picture of Bob, while at the same time trying to set up my new laptop. I wanted to make sure that I had this website in my favorites and when I went to find it, what do I find but a new post with this title. My tears were acknowledged in such a powerful way!
I know that after a year God has used some of my pain for His Glory but I don’t take comfort in that, I guess I am selfish in that regard. Being
“used” has a negative tone for me because of my back ground of sexual abuse. But I certainly recognized His comfort through your post and the timing of it.
The other day I was sitting in my church during my lunch break to spend sometime with Jesus; a friend came in I knew and could see I was crying so she just smiled and went on her way. When I got back to work I emailed her to let her know I wasn’t ignoring her. As we emailed it began to rain…..I shared this with her then.. Life sure gets complicated and sometimes the burdens weigh down our hearts to the point it creates an ache that only tears can cleanse. It is so nice to know that God collects all those tears for safe keeping. As I am hearing it rain at work the thought entered my mind that maybe God collects those tears of ours and sends them back down to earth to nourish it, as He is now!!!!
Your post nourished me and I thank you!!!!
Sweet Betty – How precious is the Lord our God! I love to see Him working so evidently through your grief. Just like my friend said to me, He will not waste a single tear that you’ve shed. Not one. God can use each of us for His glory REGARDLESS of our pasts (I have a similar one to yours, it appears). Don’t let the enemy tell you differently. Look at all of the people God chose to use in the Bible…most of whom had very checkered pasts. Nothing is too hard for Him. Nothing. Keep at it Betty! You’re doing great! And…I can almost see Him smiling at you now!
Leah – Thank you again for sharing from your heart, your pain and sorrow and now restoration. They have helped in my own journey as a survivor of suicide. Oh 6 months later it is still hard to say that but it is the truth. I have known that God wastes nothing and that he sees every tear that I shed. I am excited to see how he will use these events in my life as I yield to him. God has already given me greater insight to the lives of widows, something I had never really thought about until it became part of my life. Oh I pray that I will always have a sensitive spirit and compassionate heart for all whom God places in my life. Thanks again for blessing me Leah.
Brenda – Thank you for your encouraging words. He is so faithful isn’t He? You are a blessing to me as well sweet lady!
Ladies, you are all a blessing to me. Thank you Leah for sharing about no wasted tears.. that touched my heart (and made more tears roll). Betty, I love what you said about the rain as well. When we buried my husband a few months ago, it was so heartbreaking… and as soon as we got back in our cars, the sky opened up and the rain came down in a deluge… I really felt like the Lord wept with us that day. Especially when we finally drove away and within 1/4 mile it was as dry as could be. Coincidence? Not to me, it wasn’t.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me”. (Psalm 23:4)
Thanks again for your posts and comments… I seem to eat up the words of encouragement from those who have walked this lonely, painful path ahead of me. You are letting your light shine back on the path you have already walked so others can see a little better where we are going. xoxo