by Nancy Howell
Shock. Disappointment. Grief. Pain. Unable to breathe. Sad. Angry. Needy. Bewildered. Paralyzed. Hurt. In denial. Bitter. Helpless. Frozen. Miserable. Unhappy. Sorrowful. Depressed. Devastated. Upset. Unsettled. Full of angst. Heartbroken. Overwhelmed. Shattered. Distraught. Overcome. Upset. Distressed.
Dear sisters, above is but a sampling of the emotions I have experienced, up close and personal, since my unimagined journey as a widow began a mere 14 months ago. I’m betting that each of you can identify with them. Most of you can likely add in a few of your own.
Grief doesn’t follow a set schedule. Every grieving person is different. There’s no textbook outline for the path a widow should take, no set timetable. Those emotions I listed above? They aren’t pretty. They aren’t easy. And they sure don’t make you the life of the party.
But they are necessary. Processing grief means working through the pain, the shock, the sadness, the depression, and whatever else thrown your direction. Whether you choose to tackle it alone, with trusted friends and family by your side, with a counselor or pastor, through writing and blogging, or some combination thereof—you must acknowledge it.
By accepting the emotions, you can claim them. They are a part of who you now are, although with God’s help, they don’t have to define you.
In the midst of all of the bad, there is still good. God is there. He always was, and always will be. He’s just waiting for you to ask for help. And the comfort He has for you holds the potential to heal you and your family.
I asked. I prayed. I clung to the scriptures, spent time on my knees. And you know what? God didn’t abandon me. He answered my prayers. He showed me that life can still be good.
Oh, healing didn’t happen overnight, as I prayed it would. I had to walk the walk. After all this time, I’m still walking it. There are days I feel like I’ve been catapulted back to the raw emotions of my initial loss. There are moments I cry big old tears as I wonder what could have been.
However, there are also moments I feel optimistic. There are flashes of normalcy, of constructive, affirming feelings. Before losing my husband, I may have taken some of these for granted. But never again. Laughter. Happiness. Contentment. Bliss. Thankfulness. Hope. Enjoyment. Amusement. Gladness. Glee. Appreciation. Joy.
Just last week, I hear sounds almost foreign to me, some I haven’t heard in well over a year. Propped up on pillows in my bed, I enjoy the last of my coffee as I wait for my boys to finish showering. In a couple of minutes, I’ll spring into action, becoming fashion consultant, drill sergeant, chef, negotiator, and chauffeur. While silently giving thanks for the beautiful morning, I hear it—singing. Both boys are singing in the shower. They are happy. Happy enough to belt out lyrics at 7 a.m. in the morning. I cried tears of joy. The scriptures, again, are right—joy does come in the morning.
I will praise you, Lord, because you rescued me.
You did not let my enemies laugh at me.
Lord, my God, I prayed to you,
And you healed me.
You lifted me out of the grave;
You spared me from going down to the place of the dead.
Sing praises to the Lord, you who belong to him;
Praise his holy name.
His anger lasts only a moment,
But his kindness lasts for a lifetime.
Crying may last for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:1-5 (NCV)
Sisters, by embracing whatever emotions we have, we can work through our pain. And on the other side of that pain are a beauty and a peace that only God can provide.
Joy awaits you—I promise. He is a God of restoration. Your life won’t be the same, but it will be beautiful, nonetheless. Joy comes in the morning.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow has that happened so many times for me. Thanks, Nancy!
After 10 yrs., I am STILL working thru this stuff.
Hi, Nancy — thank you so much for this.
I just became a (hate the word) widow last month, August 8th. My husband died unexpectedly at 49. The grief seems harder each day. It feels like this huge vacuum in my life. My heart feels like it gets stung many times a day. I have such a deep need to be there for him, even though I know he’s gone. He was a believer and I know he is with Jesus–that’s what my head tells me. But my heart hasn’t caught up. I still worry if he’s OK. I wonder what he’s doing. I still want to take care of him. I just can’t let go. I pray for some kind of peaceful confirmation that he is at peace and lives each day in utter joy. Then I feel guilty for asking for a sign. Where is my faith? There was no goodbye…..no closure. I have never felt anything like these emotions my whole life.
Our daughter is Sweet Sixteen today. It breaks my heart her dad isn’t here to celebrate. I know that is so painful for her. Seeing her grieve has been the second worst part of losing him. I pray He would allow my Kev to see this day from the heavens, but of course I don’t know what he knows and doesn’t know where he is.
I am utterly alone without him because it’s an alone that only he could fill. I know the Lord should be filling this big gaping hole in my life, but I don’t know how to let Him. Actually, I don’t think I even want to let Him. I just want my husband back, and I know it cannot be.
If it wasn’t for my daughter, I would totally isolate myself. I try to be positive as we adjust to our “new normal.” Yes, I laugh several times a day and am even starting to get into a work groove again, but I am not the same. Our lives will never be the same. She is an amazing daughter and deserves me to be the best mom I can be. That is a big part of what keeps me going sometimes.
Thank you for sharing the emotions widows go through. I think only a widow could understand this kind of grief.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s been 16 months for me and I still have the sad days, but they are further apart and not as intense.
Thanks for your words of encouragement. For me, we are coming up on our first anniversary. My son and I laughed together last week for the first time since my husband died. I am looking forward to more: Laughter. Happiness. Contentment. Bliss (I’m not sure about this one!). Thankfulness. Hope. Enjoyment. Amusement. Gladness. Glee(or this one!). Appreciation. Joy. I am going to put those words up on the white board in the kitchen to remind me of what is ahead.
Thank you for sharing a part of your journey Nancy. I could so relate to everything you said and you reminded me that it is not the end when we loose our husbands (its just been on 2 years for me) but there are new beginnings ahead. God will restore us if we let Him. In saying that, its far from easy and the hurt and pain seems to be becoming more of a reality as time goes by.
As I set and read this and all the comments, I wonder when I will feel the Joy that comes in the morning. This coming Thursday will be the one year anniversary of the passing of my husband and each day still feels as if I am experiencing his death over and over again. He missed so much within the past year, our daughter’s senior prom, her graduation and her moving 6 hrs away to college. He also missed our son’s 21st birthday so many milestones that he was looking so forward too. The pain/grief is still very real for my children and although I remind them of the verse it is sometimes so hard to find. I am greatful to my Lord and Savior that he loves us and walks with us daily and that he has place sweet sisters in my path to walk this journey along side me. Thanks you all for the encouraging words posted as it gives me hope for laughter, happiness, contentment, etc.
Thanks for sharing all adjectives that describe the feelings I am experiencing today. It has been three months since my husband died and the grief seems to be different each day. I still wait for his phone call, I get panic attacks when I can’t find my phone. My life is not the same and I don’t know what the “new normal” is yet. Thank God for my daughters and grandchildren, without them I would not survive. I do know that my hubby is with the Lord and that gives me peace knowing that I will see him again.
My Lord and Savîor will get me through. So grateful
My eyes eagerly scan the blogs that come through – and one of the things I look for is how long a “widow journey’ has been … it is so crucially important to me to know how I will feel next month, the month after etc. ….. It has been 17 months for me now and we had been married for 37 years – we had known each other 40 years, and the loss of Steve has been devastating. Last month I still felt awful – life carries on, of course, but I carried with me a constant sadness – like a heavy weight – even when I was laughing. My children are grown and flown – so I live alone – and the loneliness and isolation can be great – even though I do engage most days with others. I have good days intermingled with days of anguish – and still the inability to totally accept that it had happened…. but for the last couple of days I have had a joy rising in my spirit – without the sadness. It doesn’t last long – I am soon back to sadness – but I can see hope on the horizon – and I can finally see that there may be a time that I start to experience a lightness and joy again. Up until these latest experiences I have just had to trust that I might feel better someday – but now I know that, in due course, I will feel better. I find that I am having to force myself to take on new projects – force myself out of the house into company – my naturally introverted nature would do the opposite if I gave into it – but finally, it is starting to pay off and I am pleased that I have not allowed myself to shrink back. There are signs of growth. I am speaking at a ladies meeting in a few weeks and I have never done anything like that before (not about widowhood – but about digging deeper into the Lord).. Stretching myself out – and character development in taking on my new responsibilities thrust upon me by widowhood – is very painful and challenging – but ultimately worthwhile I trust. So have faith sweet sisters – the grief does lift and give way to intermittent joy – I am just hoping for longer periods of joy now. I have felt so ill too – deep rooted anxiety I think – that is still with me but I do feel better some days now. Keep blogging! it surely does help! Thank you sweet sisters.
Your words came at the right time because I am nine months into my grief journey, and I have been plunged back into the depths of sorrow.
I try to find little bright spots even in the darkest hour. I find myself wondering if I will ever have energy and zest for life again. However, I also cling to God and pray constantly for strength. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Nancy – thank you for sharing your heart on this grief journey and the words of scripture. I am coming up on 7 months in this new “walk” of my life. God has certainly met me and poured his grace on me and yet I still feel the loss, what’s missing, what is so different now. Stephen’s death was so tragic. Our 20 yr old daughter is especially grieving hard for her Dad, memories of the trauma fill her with anxiety and fear. These are the things the enemy would use against her. But Joy does come in the morning and his promises are new every morning. Thanks to all the sisters who shared here.
Blessings,
Brenda
Nancy – beautifully put. Our emotions are shifting sand, aren’t they ? I loved your descriptions of the darkness..and of hearing the sounds of joy. Christine- my heart is especially tender toward you and your 16 year old daughter. I walked through that last year with my daughter and it literally ripped me apart to see the agony of my girl. Hands down, seeing my kids suffer has been the most difficult part of my journey. I would only say that she may need someone else to talk to besides you. A wise counselor helped us realize my daughter could not/would not share the depth of her grief and anger for fear of causing me more stress. I will praying for you both. Hugs – Danita
I have experienced all of those emotions, plus feel exhausted, drained, and depleted.
Ladies,
I am overwhelmed by such touching, beautiful words. Each of you has a unique path and a particular calling, that’s for certain.
There’s simply no way for me to respond to each of you individually in this forum. If you would like, cut & paste your comment and send to my email howelloutdoors@sbcglobal.net. I would like to visit with you all.
God is so good, and we can draw strength from each other! What a blessing. Praise Him for the opportunity to cyber-meet and share.
Blessings and hugs to all!
Nancy
Nancy – Your words echo so many of the emotions I continue to have. My husband died 2/28/11 unexpectedly, at age 48. He happened to be at work so I had to make the 1 1/2 hr trip to the job. We never had a chance to say goodbye. I miss him so much and I hate that each day passes is one more day since I was able to physically hug him and see him. I hold on to my faith in the Lord and await the time we are together again. This is so painful. Yet with all of that I am beginning to have some days that are good days. Why do I have such mixed emotions about having good days? Thank you ladies for being here, I am thankful for the chance to hear from you all.
Dear Susan,
As soon as I saw that your husband was 48 I had to reach out. My Bob was also 48 when he died on 7/27/11. I am so very sorry about your husband.
I so appreciate you having the honesty to ask about the mixed emotions when having a good day. I was talking about that same thing today. I was equally exhausted from what appeared to be a “good day” as I am from the “melt down” days. I was so confused when I was in tears about that as well. For me anyway it was because in some way it felt like I was being “disloyal” to Bob’s memory and what he meant to me. After all how could I dare have a good day when he is still gone?
ALL of our emotions are “raw” right now but I know they will come back into balance as long as we honor the feelings as part of the healing process. You are doing well my dear! You will make it, as will we all!
I have questioned my progress in grieving my husband death. After two years, I am right back where I started. I too prayed for miraculous healing so I could go on with my life. I don’t understand why I am back in this dark place again. I trust God’s plan and am comforted by all your stories.
Danita, hugs back to you (()). My daughter and I are both getting grief counseling, sometimes together, sometimes separately.
………………………………….
Sad to know so many here are continue to live with such deep grief. I will pray for us all. For me, I don’t think I’ll ever feel “settled” or “normal” again the way I once did. I know for sure the Lord will continue to bless me and bring joy my way, but I was far too emotionally attached to my husband and our family of three to ever feel the same level of “settled” again. I’m not saying my life will be doom and gloom─I’m saying what I had was irreplaceable. And that’s because my husband is irreplaceable. That’s how wonderful God made him, and made each of your husbands, too. I thank God for blessing me with all the years I spent with my Kev. ♥
Like all of you, I have lost the love of my life (24 yrs of marriage). Rob had just turned 46. He passed suddenly December 28, 2011 and I am coming up on the 1 yr mark. As I read the posts, I related to them all. I am SO sorry that any of us have to travel this grief journey. It is a long and exhausting road! It’s like being on a roller coaster most days. You can be doing okay and then suddenly you make the steep plunge into despair. I have had many days of extreme sadness and some days filled with a joy that I thought I would never have again. Everyday brings new emotions, new struggles and new challenges. My hubby took care of so many things that I never even gave a thought to and now I am having to take care of them. ( I am proud to say that I did fix a leaky toilet all on my own… and with a little help from a very kind man at the hardware store.) I don’t cry for what we had, I cry for what we don’t have. Rob has missed many mile stones in our family this year. Our grandson was born two days before Rob moved to Heaven, so he’s missed all the firsts from him (he just started crawling yesterday). Our son was married in May and Rob wasn’t there to officiate the ceremony (Rob was a pastor). So many things, but through it all, God has been good. He is a loving and gracious heavenly father. I look back and can honestly say the only reason I am still standing and not curled up in bed is because of the strength God has given me and because of His grace. I am also blessed to have two grown children and their spouses who look out for me. I know I have along way to go, but I know God will be with me on this journey like he will be for each of you. I praise God for a web page were we can all share with other’s who truly understand how we feel. All of our journeys are unique, but we all understand the feeling of loss and sorrow that accompanies this journey. You are all in my prayers and I covet each of your prayers. May God bless each of you with a good day today! (Yes, it’s okay to have a good day…Promise!) Hugs to all!!
Thank you all for your comments. This is my first visit to this website, but I know I will be coming regularly. It does help,a little, to hear others express the same LOST feelings, the numbness the pain, the fear, the anger, the sorrow, the hollowness, the broken heart,
on and on and on. I still cannot even utter the words that my husband is “gone”. I guess, I just hope if I do not say it, it is not true. I lost him September 8. Without my God I would already have gone crazy. I know I am blessed,but I cannot see that too clearly. I have two wonderful daughters and four precious grandchildren. I am blessed. I know I will get through this dark time with God by my side, one step at the time. My prayers are with all of you.