by Leah Stirewalt
I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus since my husband’s suicidal death…a public speaking hiatus, that is. I have no problem sharing the story of how God miraculously healed me following Chris’ death, however I haven’t really pushed to do so either. I waited on Him to open that door when He felt I was ready.
It just so happened…He opened the door last week, when I had the opportunity to share at a women’s event with a group of nearly 2000 women. I was so nervous, because honestly…I was afraid I would lose composure and start sobbing on stage. But God…God allowed the tears to form but not simply take over. His peace literally surrounded me like a cloud the moment I stepped on the stage. I knew His Presence was abundantly there that evening.
However, what I wasn’t prepared for was what came later in the evening. I had the pleasure of meeting and talking with several women and had the wonderful privilege of hearing their stories. Consistent stories of tragedy resulting from a loved one’s suicide. My eyes welled up with tears again, as I saw the pain – although redemptive in many of them – cross over their faces yet again. It was the tears…the pain…the stories that surprised me. It was the fact that most have very seldom spoken of their pain because of the shame they’ve been carrying.
I know that feeling…all too well. I just wasn’t prepared to see so many other precious women experiencing that type of guilt and shame as well.
After my husband’s death, I also experienced a temporary season of shame. While suicide can easily usher in unwanted and unmerited shame, I’ve also learned that shame all-too-often accompanies any type of death of a spouse. But why?
Far too often, we feel we should have done something. If I had only done this or that…if I had only taken him to the hospital sooner…if only I had listened better when he shared his burdens about work…if only I had told him I loved him one last time. On and on the “if onlys” go. On and on the “what ifs” and the “shoulda couldas” continue.
I honestly had to learn, the hard way, that shame will take me nowhere except deeper into my pit of grief. As a believer, I also have to trust in the truths from God’s word. Romans 8:1-2 promises us… “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”
I truly believe the enemy throws the dart of shame our way to try to render us useless for kingdom work. And what better time than when we’re already lower than low while grieving. However…God has another plan. Are we willing to trust Him with it?
His plan is to heal!
His plan is to rescue!
His plan is to deliver!
His plan is to restore!
His plan is to provide divine peace!
His plan is to strengthen!
His plan is to comfort so that we can comfort others!
His plan is to redeem our pain!
Friends – we have so many other women that will come behind us seeking refuge, seeking peace, seeking restoration, seeking hope. God wants to use you! Will you let Him? Tell the enemy to back off…cling to the promises in God’s Word…and watch God heal you beyond belief. While it may not look like it’s ever going to come, just trust Him. He’s reaching for YOU. He wants to rescue YOU. And, he promises to restore YOU.
Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you. ~John 16:22
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you so much for an encouraging piece.
Carol – Thank you for taking a moment to comment. It means more than you know!
Step by step and always in His time, His promises come to pass. Thank you for being willing to share your pain so that others can heal too.
Leah thank you for letting God use you to comfort and encourage others. I am so thankful for your “realness” you tell just how you are feeling and just what you are going through. Then you give me and I am sure lots of others hope by showing us how God has restored you and equipping us with the Word of God for our restoration. Even though we have never met I love you for all you do to inspire widows. God Bless You!!
My husband also had Bipolar Disorder and completed suicide. Thank you for sharing and encouraging others. The thing I feel guilty about is that we did not have a good marriage because of his illness. I’m glad you have good memories to hold on to because I don’t have many. Although many will judge me for this next comment, it was true in our case – In some ways his death was a relief because he was so tortured by his inner struggles, that I couldn’t bear to see him hurting day after day. Everyone in our family suffered because of his illness and because of the negative behaviors it brought on. I know he is in God’s arms now and resting and laughing once again, with no more pain or sorrow. I don’t think he could have found that here on earth.
Well, if THAT wasn’t God…
I lost my husband to addiction in January of this year and the biggest wave of shame and guilt has hit me over the past week or so. There have been a lot of “waves” thru this, but that one has hit me the hardest lately. Thank you for sharing those words. God definitely used them to speak peace and comfort to mind. I also feel Him calling me to share my story in Celebrate Recovery at our church and that makes me nervous!!! But I am encouraged by your obedience to share yours. Please pray for me to do that. Lots of fear that is trying to keep me from doing it. Thank you again!
I was so filled with awe when you spoke of the peace that surrounded you as you took the stage … you see, I got a message {from sweet Joel} saying “Leah’s taking the stage in 30 minutes, please be praying” … but I got it late … 29 minutes after it was sent, 1 minute before you took the stage. I stopped and we prayed … it’s amazing to me that YOU were the one speaking, but you spoke for so many of us {not just those who lost a husband to suicide, but all of us who lost and are learning to navigate our new lives}, and that I truly got to “be there” as a prayer warrior … I’ve always heard the term, but never been such a first hand witness to the power it delivers! You speaking of the peace that surrounded you made me realize {yet again} how GREAT a God we serve! I’m honored to have been a tiny part of your evening! You encourage me to keep on telling others “How GREAT is our GOD!”! ♥
I am so sorry for your loss, Leah. I am so grateful that you have allowed Jesus Christ to use you as His vessel to encourage others that are going through similar situations. Thank you for being an obedient child of Christ! May God continue to Bless You!
Your words of transparency are filled with God’s over flowing Grace! God has done a great work in my life also since Stephen’s suicide in February. I’m going to a women’s retreat this weekend with my daughter and I will be open to God’s leading if he calls me to share. My daughter still seeks the refuge, peace, restoration and hope that you spoke of, that which our God lovingly wants to give her and what the enemy would seek to rob her of. Thanks so much for always sharing and giving of your heart Leah, it encourages, strengthens and touches me. Standing on and holding onto God’s promises!
I am glad you were able to move from the veil of shame. I never had to go through that. I could not imagine the suffering involved in the suicide of a Mate. I can’t help but think our suffering honors what Jesus did for us on Calvary. I am so glad he carried me through my husbands sudden death. It’s a long journey but the closeness I felt with God, I would never want to change. I love him because he first loved me.
I am happy for you that you are now ready to reach out to others. Praise be his name! Keep on Sister.
WOW – I am so blessed in reading each of your comments.
BP – You are so right! I love that…”step by step and always in His time”. Amen!
Sue – Thank you so much sweet lady! I’m simply trying to live each day for His glory!
Jennifer – WOW! I hear ya girl. It is completely okay to have those feelings of “relief”. I don’t judge you for making that statement at all. Nobody has lived inside the walls of your life and experienced exactly what you have but you. While experiences may be similar, each is also unique. I love how you rejoice in his heavenly healing!
Tina – I love how God weaves all of this together and works in a way that only He can do. Bless you sweet one. Share that story…allow Him to be glorified!
Sheila – I love you girl! Thanks for standing in the gap for me through prayer last Thursday night! It carried me through…I know that for sure!
Barbara – Thank you for your sweet comment! Obedience is hard at times, but it sure is rewarding! God never ceases to amaze me!
Brenda – Yeah!!! I’m so glad to read of your willingness to share at the retreat this weekend, if God leads you to do so. Woohoo!! May He be most glorified through you. Praying for your girlie…
Sheila – Thank you for your wise words! I love to see how you recognize the increased closeness with God as a result of your husband’s tragic death. I’ve seen that in every single tragedy of my life as well. God bless you!
Beautifully written, Leah. My husband, a Police Captain, completed the act of suicide 4 years ago. Soon after,the governor of our state formed a task force to study police suicide. I was ask to travel to our state capital and speak to the task force. I was a nervous wreck, but when the time came, I felt the hand of the Lord resting on my shoulder. And by the grace of God, I was able to speak honestly and openingly. Being able to speak helped in the healing process as well.
God bless you!
Michele
I admire your courage to be so transparent! Thank you for sharing your whole story with us! I am becoming more encouraged to do the same! God bless you!
Michele – What a beautiful testimony of God’s gracious healing in your life! Thank you for your willingness to speak on the subject in such a public forum. May He continue to bless your words for His glory!
Denise – That is so awesome to hear! Let God strengthen you and be encouraged to share as He directs!
The Bible verse on the right encouraged me when I first found your page, how He encourages us in our troubles so that we can encourage others. I had a loss 3 and a half years ago that I just could not seem to get over or past. My head told me it was time, but my heart was still broken. I was even, and especially, mad at God too. I sunk into a deep pit of depression which I could not climb out of. I was so embarrassed and hated myself and my life. Finally one night I just decided to release the heavy burden of guilt & shame & everything and give it up to God and trust Him to heal me because nothing else had worked. He gave me the courage & the will. I have returned to church and have found joy again, something I thought I would never feel again. Thank you Jesus. And thank you Leah for what you are doing, and have done. I’m sorry the journey was so painful for you but bless your heart for encouraging and caring. God does not take joy in brokenness, but He can create miracles from the mire. He sees the full picture, and we’re limited by our limited perceptions and feeble understanding.
Dawn – Hallelujah!!! So thankful to hear of the HUGE healing that has taken place in your life! All praise and honor belong to Him!