by Kit Hinkle
Some will go on to remarry. Some can’t bare the thought of it.
I know when I lost Tom, my first thought was to remain alone—after all, we were solid in our marriage and happy together. Could lightning really strike twice?
It’s been years and my thinking has changed. Finding someone new doesn’t mean I’m forgetting Tom—it’s just a choice for me to start the beginning of the rest of my life.
Some don’t feel called to find a person to begin the rest of their life with. My young widowed friend, Kate, has a career as an international missionary. Imagine how independent she is. She craves the companionship of a husband, but feels led to focus on her work and wait for the Lord to bring a spouse if that’s His will.
Some had rough marriages, and feel the bittersweet tangle of sadness and relief. Earlier in life when I lost a marriage to divorce, I burned over the man’s betrayal, and took stock in the part I had in it—my penchant for people pleasing. When I began to date again, I paid attention to my behaviors and waited for a man who was deeply in love with me and was flexible enough to work out our happy dance together.
You Learn by Veronica A. Shoffstall After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn’t mean possession and company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn…When I first read this poem twenty years ago, I thought through what it meant for me to learn how to do relationships correctly.
Some of us don’t need to learn about relationships—these ladies have an innate way of picking and relating to the right man.
Some of us haven’t learned, and will keep picking the wrong type of man and will repeat the same relationship patterns, maybe because it’s so easy to fall in love and who wants to be alone? If we’re not careful, we can fall right into an old trap.
I know I almost did. In the spirit of wanting companionship, I found myself last year going along with a man’s efforts to steer me into his world. It all seemed right, until some shifts in his behavior shook me out of my trance—reminded me of that first husband who controlled my world without love.
I stopped myself from entering a loveless marriage. In time I would have applied lessons I’ve learned and adjusted and became happy, but isn’t it a blessing to know that I’m not sacrificing true companionship for mere company?
I’m back on track, remembering what I learned all those years ago between my difficult first marriage and my blessed second marriage—that whom you choose to marry is one of the most impactful decisions you make on your life—that nothing trumps the joy of having a marriage based on dependable, faithful love. That companionship doesn’t come from just having someone there. I remember now why losing Tom was so hard, and yet filled with such closure. He really loved me. That’s something I won’t sacrifice just for the sake of having a body there.
I’ve learned.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Sweet Kit,
Your words are so beautiful! Your marriage with Tom sounds like my marriage with Mark. It was easy, you were two halves of a whole. How lucky were we to have that! Many women live their whole lives without having it at all.
If it’s God’s will that you find dependable, faithful love again, you will, my friend. Don’t settle for less. You are so strong and so brave! I laughingly tell folks that God will have to drop someone on my doorstep because I’m too busy raising boys to look for love again.
Blessings, hugs, and admiration from Texas!
Nancy
This article really hit home for me and I really could relate to that poem.
I lost my husband 10 months ago to cancer and I was his caregiver during his 9 month battle. I am now a single parent to a teen son. Our marriage lasted 20 years, but the last 12 years I was unhappy and I could not figure out why until in 2007 I learned I had an STD. I had felt for years something was wrong and I could not put my finger on it. The medical test results blindsided me but exposed my husband for what he was, yet he still insisted that he did not cheat in marriage. I discovered that he was a pathological liar. He confessed to cheating at the beginning of our relationship- prior to marriage- some 24 years earlier. An STD does not go undiscovered for that amount of time, sorry. I honored my vows, he did not. I struggled to forgive and we worked on our marriage, but he never has the mental attitude change. About two months before his diagnosis, I was ready to take leave with our son and began to make plans. His cancer diagnosis stopped me from doing so. I was by his side every step of the way and I was his caregiver. During his illness, he accidentally blurted something out that revealed his infidelity was habitual. After his death, I even found photos of two women in a briefcase buried underneath a bunch of boxes. The photos were from his first international business trip when I was pregnant with our one and only child. Yes, he cheated the entire relationship and nearly the whole marriage. Death has left me with me, as stated in the article, “the bittersweet tangle of sadness and relief. ” I am moving forward and I pray to remember the hard lessons learned. Thanks for sharing your story in your article.
That’s right. God knows us best and we belong to Him. Let Him choose a mate for us. Let us enter marriage with a servant attitude, not a selfish, “I’m tired of being alone.” I know of at least six men I’ve met in the year and 3/4 since Ken died that would have loved to have a relationship with me. But I want a match made in heaven, literally. God is able to drop that man on our doorsteps. If he doesn’t take the lead in finding us and ministering to us, while still putting God’s calling first in his life (as Ken patiently did with me), he isn’t the leader and godly man you want down deep in your soul. God is able.
One other thought: is this the man your departed husband would have approved for you? It’s worth thinking about; he loved you and knew you best. He would be able to tell you who you will be happy with. I’m NOT saying talk to the dead man. I’m saying ponder what he would say on his death bed if he could: “Don’t marry Bob. You would look down on him in a week. If Mike ever asks to court you, he’d be the one who would understand you and be faithful to you and God.” That sort of thing. The Lord is ultimately the one who knows what we need AND what that man out there needs. My advice to any woman who would ever ask me is: don’t marry a divorced man. Not only does the Bible say not to, but he is a man who could not succeed in a relationship before. Don’t pin yourself and your children down for the rest of your life with someone who was not able to look beyond himself and work out problems. My mother made that mistake. He looked and talked like he loved her and her children. He became a tyrant and possibly a pervert, enslaving the whole family to his will. Get LOTS of counsel. From your pastor and your pastor’s WIFE.
Jamie
Barb, I know quite a few widows–some who had great marriages with their late husbands and some who, like you, suffered betrayal on top of loss. I’ll pray specifically for your healing and that eventually you will know first hand that God can provide a man after His own heart to lead you in a godly marriage. Whether you and the Lord choose to have you in a marriage is up to you and Him, of course, but either way, I’m praying you’ll really know in your heart that the conduct of your late husband was not typical and that you were created for better.
Jamie, your thoughts of considering what your loving husband would have wanted for you is insightful. For those of us that valued the loving leadership of our husbands during our marriages, that kind of a voice in our lives is healthy. I know that sometimes it seems like men coming from divorce bring a sort of baggage you may not want, but try to remember that there are many reasons for divorce, and many times–not just rarely, but many times, men are left by their wives. My second husband was abandoned by his wife after she had struggled quite a while with her pension for adulterous affairs. Having come from betrayal and divorce myself, I completely understood my then boyfriend’s predicament. When we entered into our marriage having that history of divorce, we actually flipped it around to make a solid decision never to allow betrayal and divorce to destroy our lives. It’s that one decision that set the foundation for a very happy marriage. Just something to think about. Many times, divorced men and women bring experiences that can launch them into a more emotionally solid perspective.
“It’s been years and my thinking has changed. Finding someone new doesn’t mean I’m forgetting Tom—it’s just a choice for me to start the beginning of the rest of my life.” A big yes to that one.
I wrote on my blog a little while ago Everyone’s grief journey is different. But do not think because someone has remarried that they do not grieve for the one that died. They do.
http://www.familyis.org/blogs/widow-remarried/2012/07/17/widow-remarried-journeying-through-grief/
I’ve had the same experience–a horrible first marriage and a joy-filled, wonderful second marriage. My 2nd husband died after only 5 years of marriage (3 of those he was fighting cancer) and I believe that’s what made it so hard to lose him–because we were so incredibly HAPPY together. I’ll never understand why God gave me the perfect man and then just snatched back almost immediately. Trying to figure out what lessons I’m supposed to learn from all this. Help me, Jesus.
I just want to say thank you for this post. I have read it several times since it was posted and God has used it to pull different things out for me everytime to think on and to move forward in. The wisdom from this site is so very valuable. Thank you.
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