by Kit Hinkle
What helped me to move forward is recognizing that what drew me to my husband is NOT something I’m entitled to. Yes, friends fail me, I have to go to bed alone every night, and I struggle managing my household without a husband. All these would not hurt so badly if I had a husband, but really—do I love Christ enough to surrender the comforts of a husband to Him? Because it’s only when I’m willing to give it up that I will be available to live free from grief and happy again.
Yesterday I wrote about how good God is to bring healing from my wounds of loss, and many of you responded with resounding gratitude for a message of hope—for showing a light at the end of the tunnel, that yes, you can have new life after widowhood!
Along with the gratitude were some questions. Jacquie summed it up beautifully, and I wanted to dedicate the rest of this post to helping her, and possibly you, take a first step towards God’s healing and moving forward.
THANK YOU KIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to move on! I want to be happy! I want to have all that God has for me! It is only 1 year and 9 months and I am still grieving, and I am still sad and I am still adjusting – but I am looking forward to feeling better once my grieving is over. I would love to think that I could have a new relationship at some point and to be excited about life again. Thank you for reminding me that it is a journey and that ‘life after grief’ is possible. I can’t wait for the brick I carry in my chest to go away. Can you remember Kit – when acceptance came and you felt it okay to be alone?
Jacquie, what helped me was deciding that my longing for my husband had to be healed by turning it over to a God, Who can heal.
We may have first been drawn to our husbands for the right reasons, but soon our flesh became attached to our earthly husbands, and as so many of you so beautifully put yesterday, in order to live life abundantly, you must surrender ALL of yourself to the Lord—even that attachment.
Please don’t misunderstand what that surrender means. It doesn’t mean not to grieve. Remember that when Lazarus died, Jesus wept. For me, grieving was a necessary step towards surrendering my attachment to my husband. But the mourning will eventually need to subside, and for it to subside, you must give up something–your attachment to being a wife.
If that troubles you, consider this—the Lord Jesus Christ wasn’t just God’s Son, He was God Himself, in the flesh. Not a king, not just some powerful dude—this is the Creator of the Universe. But He surrendered all of that to become fully man, and then surrendered riches and comforts to walk among us with nothing but Truth on Him. And then He surrendered even His final breath to die in the most publically humiliating and physically tormenting way.
Why did He do all of that? When you really look at what He did, it’s pretty raw—talk about pain, and loneliness and misery! He gets how you feel!
I knew why, even before the Gospel was explained to me. Because deep down inside, even before a believing Christian spelled it out for me, I knew that no matter how sweet I was, or how well I followed the rules and made sure I was a good girl, I had prideful motives in my gut. Christ knew that—knew we were lost and knew we were all sinners and would have to pay for our sins. But He didn’t want us to, so He took that punishment for us.
Funny thing, ladies, I grew up in a church that explained this to me, but it never really dawned on me until I was older that in order to really receive His salvation, I needed to acknowledge Him, acknowledge how messed up I was without Him, tell him how sorry I am for it, and then surrender to Him—everything. Then, and only then, could I walk through life not expecting everything to happen for me, but to accept everything He allows as a gift from Him. It’s all His.
So here’s the bottom line: What helped me to move forward is recognizing that what drew me to my husband is NOT something I’m entitled to. Yes, friends fail me, I have to go to bed alone every night, and I struggle managing my household without a husband. All these would not hurt so badly if I had a husband, but really—do I love Christ enough to surrender the comforts of a husband to Him? Because it’s only when I’m willing to give it up that I will be available to live free from grief and happy again.
If I really believe He died for me so that I can have eternal life, then I am willing to accept I’m not entitled to my husband.
And I do believe Christ died for me. And He did. And so began the beginning of the light at the end of the tunnel!
Ladies, if any of you are like I was as an adult never having the experience of letting Christ into my life and starting over with Him, let me invite you to have one of us ladies on A Widow’s Might Team personally pray with you. Just contact us using the link at the top of this page and tell us you would like to invite Christ into your heart and begin anew. We will pray with you and help you on your road to healing. Loving you sisters, so deeply! –Kit
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Kit, I am just beginning to understand for myself what you are speaking about. I feel like your post helps turn the key a little more to all that God has in store for me through the door of fully depending on Him in all things. One second at a time for as long as it takes.
This morning as I was feeding the horse in -5 temps and having a time with the barn door because of the ice that had accumulated I began to cry. ” I just want the door to open and this isn’t my job, I am so tired of it.” I felt instantly convicted that throwing a tantrum wasn’t going to accomplish a thing. So I began singing, “I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, I will sing.” I was pulling and pushing on that door so hard and singing. The door finally gave way. I felt God gently say to me “I know this barn is hard for you to be in, I know this isn’t easy for you but I am here. I can handle standing in the gap of a barn door, I stood in the gap for you with my arms open wide from east to west.”
Thank you. Jill B
What a testimony! May we always remember His promises to be with us now and forever God bless. Melba
Jill that’s so beautiful. These stories that each of you share with me just make my heart melt. How many times did I have those moments of God standing in the gap? The more I learn that I can be less as He becomes more in me, the happier I become. Thank you, Jill!
Jill………thank you …! wonderful words and thoughts
Blessings to you, Lynda!
There are times I think I’m reaching the end of the tunnel…but letting go seems ….speechless & wordless. I see him in my son. His intelligence, his love for the family. I know God has a plan & this struggle is a testimony to others
Jey, I’ve heard your story personally and you amaze me. God is working in ways you can’t fathom. Be strong, sister!
Very well said. My beloved John of 37 years went to be with Jesus March, 2012. Our focus through 2 year cancer battle and my focus has been a spirit of thankfulness of the love and laughter we shared and all the great memories we made.and that I was able to have a love in my life that many will never know. the Lord has me close, I have small moments that come of missing John and tearing up,, but I feel his presence with me always, 2 really do become one.This past year has had its challenges, new health problems I never had, hit a deer and totaled my car,had to move out of our house, but through it all I feel so confident God’s plan for me to press on. I love this quote, it is meant for me, by Doctor Suess,”Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened” and yes I still keep smiling. I pray the Lord gives my fellow widow friends peace through your journey, it won’t be long till eternity will be ours too.Live each day to the fullest and be a blessing to others, the Lord left us behind for a reason.Seize the day!!!!
Carpe Diem, Linda. You are beautiful!
Thank you so much Kit for your last post and this one. Your secret about Christ working really blessed me and it’s just what I need. It’s only 10 months since my dear husband went to be with the Lord and I can say its been the worst time of my life. But right from the first few days and weeks I decided I didn’t want to live with grief for the rest of my life because it hurt to much and rather than live like that I would rather go to heaven which I longed for more than ever in my life. But with 4 young children I knew I must live on cos am all they’ve got now. I have seen glimpses of the light and the end of the tunnel and what you shared and what some widows who God has helped through that tunnel to a place of joy,purpose and fullness of live have shared either in books,on blogs and some I have met personally greatly encourage me that my tomorrow will be alright. So I am pressing on its a difficult road butI know I will get there someday. Thank you so much.
Halima, children are a blessing when you’ve suffered loss, because their presence in itself gives you a visual reminder every day that you have had huge purpose beyond being a wife. May you use every gift possible to raise them with the same God-filled positivity that you show in writing here, and may you lean on God for the rest.
I lost my husband on 2-1-11 to cancer. He was 46 years young and our son was 9 days short of being 5 years old. I miss him so much and would LOVE to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not so much for only myself, but so that I can help my son to properly grieve so that he doesn’t have difficulties later on in life. God Bless You!!
Barb, God be with you.
Moving forward is not just healthy for you, but for your five year old as well, as long as you do it with the love and grace of the Lord. Here are some articles we have written on those younger years with the kids. Perhaps you might gain some insight that will help you. Meanwhile, I’m praying that you begin with the Truth that you’re salvation is only in Christ, and not by anything the world has to offer. Blessings! If your five year old grows up seeing this Truth in you, nothing can separate Him from becoming Christ like! What an exciting purpose for you! http://www.awidowsmight.org/category/children/school-aged/
I came back tonight to read this because it helped me so much before and I found all these encouraging notes. I am struggling so very much right now. I am so very humbled that He brings me back and shows me my own words and the lovely words of others. His love is so precise. You all mean so very much to me. How can I ever repay all your sweetness to me?
Jill, you already do repay us by telling us about how His love comes exactly when you need it, where you need it. Keep strong, Jill. You are doing well–even through the struggle. Let the pain of the struggle pass over you and cleanse you from ties to anything that keeps you from God. Then welcome His peace and know that His plans for you have purpose. Thank you for all your encouragement to women on this site.